My turn now. I’m on the countdown to FIFTY! Yesterday was actually 50 days until 50, but I forgot about it until this morning. I really want to intensify my whole healthy living stuff during this time. I’ll tell you why (in a roundabout way).
Yesterday, I finally found the gumption/balls to reach out to one of my “interests” who’ve been silent lately. I chose AA for two reasons: (1) he lives close, and (2) of the two, I felt like I could risk it more if it didn’t go my way. In other words, I like Steve McQueen more and reaching out to AA seemed like it would be less of a disappointment if he didn’t respond.
So I asked AA if he wanted to meet me for a cocktail at a cute little patio place (the weather was amazing) close to his apartment because I was about to walk the dog to that area. He wrote me back pretty quickly, saying he was in a business dinner, but he’d probably be done early.
I was thrilled.
But now, what was I going to wear on my walk? I wanted to look cute in case he could actually meet me! The weather was perfect for jeans, so I grabbed a pair of cute ones that I haven’t worn in a while…but those mother-effers DID NOT FIT! Oh my lord. They were too tight. I mean, I could get them on, sure, but they were just too tight and I had a muffin top and all of the wind went out of my sails and I was all, screw it.
I changed into a cute skirt with a tee shirt, but by then I was like, I’m not even going to walk in that direction. I’m out of shape and blobby and I feel horrible.
Sure enough, that’s when AA responded, telling me he was done with his dinner if I was still out and about…
And I quietly freaked out on the inside. He did exactly what I wanted him to do - before the damn Jeans Incident.
After the Jeans Incident, I didn’t want to see anyone. Yes, I was still out walking the dog, but no I did not want to see him. Or rather, I did not want him to see me.
Insecure? For sure. Irrational? Yes.
So I let that message just linger in the air for a while as I walked the dog down the side streets.
After about 5 minutes, he messaged back, “oh well, next time. :)”
And I finally answered, “Sorry! I was out walking but Martini did an about-face. I’m going to blame the dog! The weather is so nice, we should definitely do a patio in the near future. Does that sound good to you?”
No answer.
So after about 5 more minutes, I messaged one more time, “next time :)”
You guys. I reached out. He called my bluff. I blew it.
So this is it. I’m either going to get serious about it or I’m not. But I can’t live my life like a chicken shit fluff ball. I have GOT to get a handle on both my fitness/health AND my self-esteem. This is ridiculous.
So, I’m going to take the next 50, errr, 49 days to work out every single goddamn day and take control of my eat/drink. I simply can’t let my body image and age run/ruin the rest of my life.
It’s serious now.
xox,
GS
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