"Normalcy" and Vacations 3/20/2002
I'm going back home in seven days. I came back from my extremely relaxing spring vacation on the 17th and I decided that I couldn't stand being away from home for another two straight months. It's kind of depressing that I'm going to be twenty next year and I still hate being away from home. I don't cry when I leave any more. I've learned to hide it much better than what I used to. Anyway, my mother had offered to fly me back in for Passover so I wouldn't have to miss another Jewish holiday. (Imagine spending Christmas at school). I know I'm different from other poeple. Sure, everyone misses their homes, but they're generally glad to come back to school again. For me, the first day back is the worst. You know another vacation is a ling way off. I usually just climb under my covers and try and read or watch tv to get my mind off of things. Anyway...this upcoming vacation gives me something to look forward to.
The only thing that bothered me when I was home was my brother John. I understand he's sixteen and trying to be cool, but he hadn't seen me since January and barely gave me a hug when I walked in the door. I got home around midnight and he didn't even wait up for me. He spent most of the vacation going out with his friends every five seconds. He wasn't even there for my last dinner at home. He had gone to a friend's house instead. He didn't want to see me off at the airport because he was worried he would miss Wrestlemania. What does that say about me if he'd rather watch tv than be with me? It really hurt. When my parents asked why I didn't say good-bye to him (I basically just brushed past him with a casual wave. Hell, I was pissed and it was justified) I yelled at them. I mean, they didn't deserve it, but couldn't they see why I was so angry??
Becca and John always seem to put their friends and social lived before anything else. I asked Becca for a ride home after Passover and she said, "OK, but we have to leave at 9 am." (ouch). "Plus, I won't drive you to Syracuse, you'll have to take a bus from Binghamton." OK, you don't want to put mileage on your car for me, but you drive to your boyfriend's every five seconds. Which, granted, his house is only a few towns from ours, but she's definitely racking up miles with all those trips. PLus, as soon as she gets to Long Island, she's out the door every five seconds with her friends. Even my ten year-old brother Jake made a comment about it. Its just that sometimes my own family hurts me more than the people in Syracuse do.
Anyway...Back to SU. My friend Angyl goes to a school fairly close to mine so we decided that I would roadtrip up to her. It'd be awesome to see a familar face from home again. U'm really excited; I get to get away from SU, plus I get to just chill out with her instead of talking over IMs. Something else to look forward to.
Erin is having a friend up while I'm gone. She's never actually met him before; he lives in Oklahoma and she met him over the Internet. They've been talking for some time now; probably like a year or two. That's not what really bothers me. I was in her room a few minutes ago and she told me that he'd be sleeping in her room. OK, she's never met him before, but where else is he going to sleep? No biggie. Then she says that they will have the room to themselves because her roommate won't be there that weekend. Um,OK...What bothers me is that I was joking around with her and asked, "So, you got protection?" Erin, dead serious, tells me that she has condoms in her drawer.
Damn...I mean...damn...I know I'm not a normal college kid, or a normal teen for that matter. Most people have had sex by the time they've hit my age, and almost everyone has had a one night stand. Its just...Erin literally does not know this guy. I know its none of my business, but I can't understand casual sex. In the beginning of the year, Erin met this guy, Jim, at the club we used to frequent. They hooked up the first five minutes we were there, they exchanged numbers, etc. She got up the guts to call him (which I admire), but after the first date they went on, he slept in her room and they eneded up having oral sex. Which Erin described in graphic detail...). I wish I didn't think so much about things. I can't see myself having a one night stand. It'd be so depressing. To tell you the truth, I can't see myself having sex period. I've had guy friends, but I've never been overly close with any guy before. (The hook-ups at clubs don't really count).
I just feel so out of place all of the time, except when I'm at home. My idea of a cool weekend is going up to see my friend, play Asshole, and watch tv. Most people my age go to bars, clubs, have sex, go to pledging, whatever. I like drinking, but SU's bars are hard to get into. I've grown to hate clubbing. I've gained weight. My one source of pride used to be my stomach; it was always so flat and I liked the way I fit into tube tops. Now, I definitely don't look as good in my old clubbing clothes and the feeling is amplified by skinny Erin. She's tall, thin, blonde, not stunning, but pretty. Guys always make a beeline for her and after awhile, it really sucked dancing by myself while Erin had one or two guys on her. I just don't feel like a normal college person.
But anyway...thankfully I am getting out of SU and I don't have to spend the next two weekends at school, which always makes me smile. I really am excited about the next two weeks. Anyway...it's 1:53 am and I need to get up at 7:15, so g'night.
Phobia of the Day: Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls
Until later
Artist
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