RA 3/4/2002
I got a letter from the Office of Residence Life today; I was waitlisted for an RA. I know that this may be a moot point, since I won't be here next year anyway, but it still hurts. There were three girls on my floor who tried out for the position of RA; me, Erin, and Linda's friends Brita. Brita and Erin both got the position. Erin got her first choice, Flint Hall. What makes Erin so much luckier than me? What is it about her personality that's better than mine? I spent two hours every Friday for the past five weeks in an RA class. I always feel like I work so much harder than everyone else, and I always end up falling short. It's not just the RA position, it's everything. The sororities, the people, school itself.
I was walking down the hall with my laundry today, and I hear a conversation between Lexi, my next door neighbor, and Carolyn. Carolyn got into Kappa Alpha Theta, the one sorority that called me back for the second round. She was carrying a huge gift bag and telling Lexi how much she loved her big sorority sister. It's like, I'm fine for a day or two, and then something like this happens.
Next year, I get to have another open double, with another unknown roommate, in a new school and Erin gets to have a spacious single all to herself, in her first choice dorm, no less. Its not just the room that bothers me; it's the fact that I worked just as hard as she did, and I didn't get the job.
I just feel like I keep getting rejected from everything. How I got into Binghamton is a miracle. And who's to say it won't be like this in Binghamton? And then I'm stuck there for three years. I'm just one of those people who happens to have chronic bad luck. I've really tried to turn things around; I attempted to join Hillel(I wasn't 'Jewish' enough), I attempted to join a sorority, I tried out for the position of RA...It just gets depressing after awhile. I mean, why bother trying? At this point, I was able to predict the results beforehand. A few days ago, I made a penny bet with Erin that she would get the position and I wouldn't. It's like I know my own luck already.
I need to go home and just get away from here. I don't even want to think about the rest of this semester, or next year. I guess I could just trudge through the next three years, but at this point I'm beginning to wonder if its worth the effort? I definitely don't want to think about medical school. I can already imagine what's going to happen. I'm in the mood again where I just want to cry and run home and hide for a very very long time.
Artist
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