The Greatest Glory 2/6/2002
"The greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising each time you fall." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I've always loved that quote, but I've always felt: After so many falls, is it worth getting up? And, when do you know when just to stay down and accept failure? I mean, if you see a person trying to ice skate, and they keep falling no matter what they do; they don't look glorious, they look stupid. So when is enough enough?
It's 5:51, according to the little computer clock now. My first, and only, second round party is from 8:00-8:45. The two girls that I met at Rush, Laura and Nicole both got invited to five or six houses. The girl Jackie that I mentioned earlier was actually complaining about all the parties she had to go to. You have no idea how much I just wanted to cry. If I were her, I'd be so incredibly bouncing off the walls that I go invited back to so many.
Yes, I know I was extremely hard on my mother. I don't blame her or my father for what's been happening to me. It's my personality, not theirs, that got me rejected. It's just so frustrating. By nature, I am a quiet person, so I can understand why it's hard for people to like me. Yet at Rush, I talked and smiled more than I can ever remember and I still got rejected. So why bother? Why try? I just want everything to end. (Not my life necessarily, just all the bullshit and bad luck that I can't seem to get rid of). Everyone has heard stories of someone that has inexplicable bad luck their entire lives. My great uncle Jack was one of them. What if I'm one of them? Being alone is one of my greatest fears...I can't even make a friend. Honestly, I've run out of ideas and contingency plans. I don't know what to do any more.
One note-leaver said that eveyone goes through these periods. Okay, that's a good argument, but how many of these periods lasted for years? Read my h.s. entries, I was miserable there too. Only college is worse because in h.s. people told me I was talented in art and I got good grades.
Someone else said that I set myself up for failure. That I believe. Although, I did walk into each and every house with a ton of optimism. I really thought I had a chance at a few houses. We went past the rhetorical "What's your major? and Where are you from?" It's just with me it's never enough. I'm good in art, or I'd like to a least believe better than average, but not good enough to make it in college classes or to make a career out of it. I'd like to think I'm smarter than average, but not smart enough to get into University of Rochester, or Maryland, or Boston, and I can't even get a 3.4. So why bother? I honestly made effort to try and change things here. I tried Hillel, but I wasn't "Jewish enough" for the Hillel people. My entry in September, called "Worthiness" shows what happens when I attempt to strike up a conversation with classmates. After awhile, I do set myself up for failure because that'a all I know.
My sister thinks I can transfer into SUNY-Binghamton, but because they have virtually no art program, I'd have to give up art. Also, they're a poorly-funded state school, so they may throw me in the crappy Holiday Inn across the street because they have no room. So meeting new people is out of the question...Their only saving grace is that they have a 66% accepance rate of their students into medical schools. That, and it's very easy to drink in that school. I've been going to their bars since I was sixteen. The only thing worse than being lonely and miserable is being lonely, miserable, and sober.
My sister is in a sorority over there so I'm a legacy. It means they basically have to accept me. I don't know if I can mentally survive another Rush. Besides, even if I do get in, I'd never know if I got in because of me, or simply because I'm a legacy.
I just don't know what to do any more. If I stay here or go to Binghamton, I'll be unhappy, it'll just be at different levels. I've tried to make a positive twist on things, but after awhile you just get tired of fighting so hard. I mean, what for? So, I will go off to this party and plaster a smile on my face and continue my losing fight. I'd rather go to the party and get rejected, even when I know that's probably what will happen, than simply not go and wonder what if. If/When I get rejected, I'll be looking back on the intelligence on this decision, but...It's my nature I guess.
Thanks everyone for the really nice notes, even if I don't believe them. Not everyone sucks, just most people...and everyone at Syracuse.
Artist
Loading comments...