Never Again 2/5/2002
I haven't been writing in my diary because I've been so busy Rushing. Rushing is the first stage in the sorority initiation process. I feel like I've been floating on Cloud Nine since February 1st. I managed to pull together all of my courage and go to Rush. I'm a relatively quiet person, and this is a huge deal to me. The fact that I was actually able to carry on a conversation with a complete stranger totally excited me. I've been feeling so great for the past few days.
The first round to Rushing is that you visit all of the houses (in Syracuse there are twelve). You get paired up with a sorority girl to that house and you talk for a few minutes. Then another girl comes by, relieves the first girl, and the conversation starts all over again. After that you take a tour of the house, ask a few questions, etc. Sometimes you talk to five or six girls, sometimes only two or three, it depends. My first house, Phi Beta Pi, I knew I was a little too quiet, since I'd never done anything like this before. At Gamma Phi Beta I stumbled too much, and there were one or two houses I just got the feelings that the girls didn't like me. There were some houses though, I felt that I had some really great conversations and I felt like I had a shot at maybe five houses.
Last night I went to Delta Delta Delta (aka Tri-Delt) and I met one girl from Long Island, who I got into a pretty good conversation. There was another girl named Maria, who was a biology major like me and we were laughing pretty good. I felt so happy...
Tonight was the beginning of the second round. We got our papers back telling us which houses invited us back for the next round. Only one out of twelve invited me back. I knew it before I even unfolded the paper. I saw the paper had very little typing on it.
I cannot tell you how sick I feel. There's a girl on my floor, Rachel, who is the biggest fake in creation. She's so absolutely rude and mean. She got invited back to eleven houses. There was a girl in my RA group named Jackie. I met her in the beginning of the year when we were creating schedules with our Student Peer Advisors...Jackie would barely talk to me. She got invited back to ten houses. I tried to go back into my room to get some stuff because I'm sleeping over at Helen's...from inside the door I could hear laughing. I don't even want to know how many houses Linda was invited back to. The horrible thing is that my entire floor is going to know. I have to go back to my room eventually and Linda's going to ask. Almost my entire floor is rushing, and my floor is like one big grapevine. These girls got so many invitations from sororities that they had to turn people down. I got one.
People don't like me. That's an incredibly depressing thought for a nineteen year old. I didn't have friends in my Carnegie Mellon University program, I didn't have friends in high school, and I sure as hell don't have friends now. Not a single person from those houses liked my personality. I have had a horrible time making friends, if you've read any of my past entries. I am just unlikable. Boys sure as hell don't like me. I feel so ill. Obviously, I'm moving out of Flint dorm. I can't be there any longer. I'll have to watch as Linda gets presents from her Big (each sorority pledge is assigned to an older sorority sister, aka "Big Sister.") I'll have to watch as people like Rachel get to go to all kinds of sorority parties, and I'll have to listen to them all squeal about how many houses they got accepted to. I can't take it any more.
It's not just the sorority, it's everything. I hoped throughout high school that things would be different in college, that things would get better. If anything, things are worse. I have finally realized that all those things that people said about me are true. I am a nobody.
I called my mother from a payphone after I got back from my dorm. My mother was trying to be helpful, but it just wasn't working. She kept saying that she understood and that everything would be okay, but all of the horrible rage and bitterness that has built up, I just kept putting it onto her. No matter how much anger I heaped onto her, I felt like nothing had changed. I still had more. It's like a never-ending supply. I try so hard to be happy. My father has always said "If you don't like something, change it." I've tried to change my unhappiness with Syracuse by attempting to join Hillel, by trying to join a sorority, by trying to talk to people in my classes. No-one can be bothered with me.
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