I’ve been afloat in this ocean for awhile now. That’s what I told her. That’s what I told myself.
”It feels like I fell off a ship, and was swept away by the current - despite me trying so hard to swim back against it! To get back to you. But it’s too strong!”
The current takes me under.
Swallow some water.
It tastes horrible. Why did I do this?
The loneliness creeps in harder and harder, water logging my consciousness…it’s getting harder to focus at work, and focus on my goals. The Fall will also be crashing in soon, so I’m anxiously awaiting the next months, for I don’t know how I’m going to react to the weather change. Directional change.
KEEP AT IT
The voice in the back of my head is dim, but I can hear it. It’s hard because i’m drifting in and out of presence in the moment. Like a ghost between dimensions. Like a ghost. It’s hard to tell who I am anymore. Not quite ego death, but it feels like it’s indefinitely in a hospice, fighting to get out.
I go under again.
Managed to get a shallow breath in before.
Surface.
This current is strong. Do I keep attempting to swim back to the ship, or hope for an island to call home? Will I ever see the original crew again? Or do I just accept the journey thus far and never look back. I look back regularly. I remember it all, and could never forget. The good times, accented heavily by my mistake(s). …does she think me a heavily invested mistake? Maybe I deserve this.
It’s hard to swim when i’m using up the air in my lungs, by screaming sorry. Screaming sorry at nothing but the void. Doesn’t help, because you aren’t hearing it. You didn’t hear it ever, because I didn’t tell you. I was anxious to tell you, thinking you’d throw me overboard yourself, but look at the mess i’m in by not uttering a word. Loose lips sink ships, but jailed emotions guarantee loneliness in this ocean. Maybe I jumped over the railing out of fear of where the boat would dock. Why didn’t I ever just talk to you?
This metaphor is shallow, but it’s deep for me.
The waves take me under once more.
It’s becoming routine.
I’m getting better at holding my breath.
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