Chills.
“You’d need to give me a reason to stay…”
Tears all around. Enough to make the room taste of salt. I could’ve given her at least 6 detailed reasons, but I’d been distant for months up until now, and this moment was no different.
“I’m sorry…” is all I could muster. “…you deserve someone who will treat you like the unicorn you are…“
All because I was blind to her light from staring into it for so long. I’d forgotten what that beam of warm was, after the privilege of being in it for so long!
I could’ve given her a reason to stay: I was sick
I could’ve given her a reason to stay: I was worried
I could’ve given her a reason to stay: If I had just not been afraid
I could’ve given her a reason to stay: If I’d just talked to her
…That’s all I had to do, was just talk to her. Tell her about my fears, my worries - even if it may have upset her - that would’ve been temporary. That temporariness was the main cause: I didn’t want to make her sad. What a joke, especially after what I did!
This is where I am now. Scrounging for solace in our old apartment, lamenting the coming day of work - at the job I hate. The job that drug her out here to this spot…the one she supported me in…she supported....me. Through every stupid decision…there she was with a smile, encouraging. What a fool I am for thinking I could ever hope to find that again.
Now i’m screaming back at him - the reason to stay is that you love her, you fucking imbecile! I didn’t realize how unprepared for loneliness I’d be. Making stupid rash moves to try to fill a void, that I willingly tore open. There’s no way for me to hope to give her that reason now. No reason for her to hear it, at least. I’ve done too much. Tried to fast to “move on”. All those swipes tally heavy against me.
Now i’m cold, and becoming more callus by the day. The only thing slowing it are memories of her and I. That tiny bed in Govindpuri, meant for one, that we made due with. Those times at conventions where we’d end up swapping face paint & lip stick. The first time we held hands. That first time we said “I love you”, and there were no doubts…for 6 years.
It simulates a warm light…but quickly fades.
Chills.
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