Personality 11/3/2001
I used to think it was this school that made me unhappy, but maybe it's me. I think I'm just unlikable. No-one here actually hates me or anything, but they don't want to be bothered by me either. I'm honestly sorry that I met Erin and Justin, because false hope is just the cruelest thing in the world. I actually thought that I was beginning to fit in...yeah...right...Erin and Justin are together 24-7. They have all these private jokes that they say all the time, and it just makes me feel left out and stupid. So I'm sitting there, feeling like an ass, while these two are laughing over some joke that I don't understand. Talk about your third wheel.
Or just now, when me, Dionne, Justin, and Erin were sitting in Erin's room. I was sitting on the bed with Dionne and Erin. Erin was trying to spin a basketball on her finger (Justin's seriously into basketball) and she kept dropping the ball and hitting me instead. So I moved to the chair next to Justin. Justin moves next to Erin and Dionne comes to sit by me.
Dionne's basically a good person, but she really gets on my nerves. She partially deaf, which is fine, but she has a bad habit of yelling at me when she talks and it gets annoying. I dunno, I really just don't get along with her. Whenever the four of us are together, I always gets stuck with Dionne, and Justin and Erin end up flirting together. They are just together on everything. Like last night, every time I had opinion about something, they'd gang up on me for it. They don't do it to be mean, but they do it constantly. Like, with the Timothy McVeigh case, I totally agree and understand family members who lost loved ones and wanted to watch his execution. Justin and Erin sided with each other, of course, and belittled me for agreeing with people who wanted to watch someone else die. Just little things...and tonight, Justin and Erin are wrestling each other on the bed over a damn basketball while Dionne is yelling in my ear about something stupid while I'm trying to watch a damn movie. So I left. I can still hear damn Erin and Justin laughing.
No-one knows this, except for the entire Internet world, but I really liked Justin. REALLY liked him. Well, let me correct myself. Like. As in, present tense. He's had the same girlfriend for two years, so I was like, "Ok, obviously, I'm not going to try anything." (Like he'd let me...)He's always treated me like a kid sister, which was cool. No matter how much I tried to talk to him, he never really stopped by my room to talk, and there was no way in hell he's ever ask me to go to the dining hall with him or something. All of a sudden, Erin and I are sitting in my room one day and he walks in. Suddenly, he's asking her to go to dinner with him and he's in her room constantly. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't fit in? Everyone has their "second half" up here...It seems that I've never been able to find mine, and I'm getting tired of looking.
Academically, I'm kicking some serious ass, but socially...I'm getting my ass kicked. My ego is just gone at this point. I'm sick and tired of wishing that maybe things will get better in Syracuse...well, maybe in Rochester...grad school...maybe? Yeah...so I'm feeling really crummy, in case you couldn't tell. Aarrgghh, I think I'll just stay by myself for awhile and watch a movie or something.
Phobia of the Day: Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations
Until later
Artist
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