Failed Experiment (Con'd 2) 6/24/2001
The last thing that set me off is my mother. We got into a fight, which is my fault. I'll totally admit when I'm wrong, I just won't apologize. Apologies are just words. Words don't help much when you're hurt or angry. Anyway, my mother and I tend to fight more when Becca is home. Becca has always been slightly favored because she's the oldest. When we were little, my mother would always make me watch my brothers while she brought Becca into the kitchen to help her cook dinner. My mother always consults Becca when something's wrong, or when she has a question. When Rebecca left for college, as much as I missed her, part of me was glad that she was gone. My mother talked to me about things now and treated me as an adult. When Becca's home, things just go back to the way they were. Mom shoos me out of the kitchen, just like when I was a little kid, so she could talk to Becca. Or when they're having coffee after dinner, or laying on my mother's bed together and talking, I feel like such an intrusion when I walk in. Becca's boyfriend and my father share many similarities. My dad's best friend, and the best man at his wedding, was named Jay, and Kyle's best friend is also named Jay. Becca is planning to go to the same graduate school that my mother went to. Becca plans on going to the same field my mother is in. (My mother is a teacher, and my sister plans to be a guidance counselor...close enough). My mother met my father the first night of their junior year in college; the same time my sister met Kyle etc, etc. They sit and talk and laugh and complain about their respective men. I just feel so left out when Becca comes home...
I get angry and frustrated when Becca is home. I try to talk to my mother about it, but she refuses to listen. The whole fight started the day my entire family went to the mall. My mother wanted to go shopping for clothes, and somehow, we all managed to go together. Anyway, so my mother was picking out clothes. Actually, Rebecca was helping my mother pick out clothes and I was getting ignored. My mother loves Becca's taste in clothes, of course. I was just getting frustrated by little things that kept happening. When I got home, I found out that the clothes that I had ordered from a catalogue were all backordered for another two weeks. I'm going to Fairfax soon, so I needed some of those clothes. A rational person would've said, "Mom, my clothes are backordered. Can I just cancel some of the order? That way, I can just go shopping somewhere nearby and get the dress clothes I needed for my trip." However, I am not rational when I am angry. Instead, I exploded at my mother. I won't blame that on Becca, it was entirely my fault. I need to get control of my temper. So of course, my mother started yelling right back. She told me that I didn't deserve Syracuse and that I didn't deserve my trip. Now, that pissed me off even more. Don't you dare tell me I don't deserve either my trip or Syracuse. I worked my ass off in high school for the past four years, spending hours studying and staying after with nasty teachers so I could get extra help. If anything, Becca doesn't deserve Binghamton. She's gotten piss-poor grades, and has said "Fuck you" to my mother on more than one occasion. Tell me that I have a bad temper, tell me I'm rude, but don't tell me I don't deserve my school. On top of everything, my mother told me that she didn't want to have a graduation party for me because our family members were fighting with each other once again. If I did tell her, "You know Mom, despite the fighting, I would really like a grad party anyway," she would've thrown me one. But she would have yelled at me at me the entire summer. I just found out that my mother plans to throw a monster grad party for my sister next year. How come my mother is willing to endure family feuds for Rebecca, but not for me?? Granted, I am going a a trip, but I wanted to have some sort of graduation party/present. My mother's reply to everything is "You're going to a private school." Yes, but that can't be your excuse for the next four years. I wanted a party, but you said you would rather not have one. Fine, then I'm going on a trip. Next year, Rebecca is going to be given a huge party and crazy amounts of gifts. How come her graduation is more important than mine? Anyway, my mother and I really haven't spoken since. Obviously, that's not helping my mood either. Yeah so...anyway. (I seem to say "anyway" a lot, don't I?)
Phobia of the Day: Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten or ignored or forgetting
Until Later
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