3years 5months in Life After Death

You know what’s funny about the universe? No matter what, it never stops. Not even for a second. Your world, your tiny speck of existence may stop for a moment, but the world keeps spinning and matter keeps on being devoured.
My best friend died in November of 2014. It was traumatic. It changed me forever. But the universe has continued on. My world has continued on. I got married November, 2015. We bought a house July, 2016. I started hormones January, 2017. It’s been one hell of a spinning experience the last three years and five months.
I’m still not 100% open about being transgender simply for the fact of where I work and the people that live in my community. I’m not afraid of being hurt physically, but there is fear of losing my job or losing my family. I wouldn’t change what I’ve done or how I’ve lived my life (except maybe for some things in jr/high school). I’ve been very blessed to be able to be who I am without much concern. I have amazing friends and family who accept me wholly and love me all the same.
I’m not defined by the fact that I’m transgender. My kids (by marriage) have only ever known me as Colby and that’s the way I intend on keeping it. Unless they ask questions. At 14 and 11, they’re entitled to ask questions and their mother and I are willing to have that conversation if it is at their request. I am defined by the character I have. I am defined by the morals and virtues and compassion I express to others.
I see a therapist, who started out as a way to get hormones, that has now become my general therapist. She helps keep me even, helps me deal with stress of every day life, makes me feel like I’m capable because she believes in me and wants to see me succeed. Not that my family/friends don’t, but they know me. She doesn’t see me outside of her office.
I remember being very open when I wrote about my life on OpenDiary. I miss it, to say the least. I now write in a physical journal when I think of it. It’s not ideal. Maybe this can help me a little. Maybe having a place to put my thoughts and feelings and emotions will eliminate some of the frustration I have on a daily basis. Maybe I won’t be as overwhelmed taking care of two kids until midnight after being at work from 7am that same day. I work with kids with behavioral and mental instabilities. It’s a rewarding job, it’s also a frustrating and complex job. I’m always a parent, always a mentor, always a teacher, always having to be patient and understanding and altering my ways of communication and interactions to suit the needs of others.
Simply put: I hate being a fucking adult.