Sex and Lesbianism 1/6/2001
DISCLAIMER: all of the names used are entirely ficticious to protect the names of the innocent---wow...sounds kind of melodramatic, huh?
I know this sounds pathetic...not wait, it is pathetic...but I am an 18 year old virgin. (On my profile it says I'm 19, and I don't know why. I just turned 18 this past October and I won't be nineteen until next year). I know this isn't a huge deal because there are lots of other eighteen year old virgins, but it bothers me anyway. I feel even worse because all over the world people are facing persecution, starvation, and other horrible problems and here I'm complaining about not having had sex yet.
Truthfully, I don't want to have sex- the idea just bothers me- but it's the normal thing to do. When I went to my summer program, my roommate Natalie, used to tell me about her sex life all the time. Most people are surprised when I tell them, "Yes, I am eighteen and I am a virgin." One of my ex-friends once told me, "At our age, every girl at least has given a guy a blow job." I've learned to lie and tell everyone I'd had oral sex with my ex-boyfriend Andrew. Well, ok, I exaggerate. Andrew and I never dated. We went to the movies once, my school dance, and a dance club. I despised him because he was so incredibly irritating, but I was so happy to have a boy that liked me, so I kept him around. We never even kissed. However, no-one has to know this except everyone on the Internet. But none of you know me, so it's all good. Plus, he doesn't go to my school and he lives two towns away from me, so Andrew can't contest to anything.
The sad truth is, I've never done any drugs, have had one sort-of relationship in ninth grade, and I've never gotten past being felt up. I'm convinced I'm going to Hell because I want to have sex and do drugs so I can be thought of as a normal teen. Almost all of my friends have had sex, or parties A LOT, or does drugs. I can't even picture myself having sex. I don't even like being hugged by most people. I hate looking at myself naked in the mirror (which is hard because there are mirrors all over my house), so do you honestly think I'd let someone see me naked?? Not that the boys are lining up to have sex with me. Just the thought of some naked guy on top of me grunting and sweating makes me sick and makes me want to laugh. I mean, I'm one of those people who would start laughing during it, (when I get nervous I laugh, which is a bad thing in this case), and the guy would be emotionally scarred for life.
A person who is attracted to another person of the opposite sex is heterosexual, a person who attracted to the person of the same sex is homosexual, and a person who is attracted to both sexes is bisexual. What do you call a person who is attracted to neither sex? Asexual? Well, I like boys, but I don't like sex. I think I have a phobia. I recently admitted this phobia to my sister who thinks it's due to my parents unstable marriage. She refers to it as "my fear of intimacy." How come Rebecca, (my sister w/ a fake name) doesn't have it? She has no problem telling me her sex life, and she's has sex with at least three guys, and she grew up in the same house I did. I know my younger brother doesn't have it. My youngest brother is too young for me to tell.
One of my friends, Joan, told me last year that her ex-boyfriend, Keith, said to Joan that his current girlfriend, Sherry, is really bad at sex. Since Joan is awesome in bed, (I wouldn't know personally, but that's her reputation), Keith wanted Joan to have a talk with Sherry. Joan laughed when she told me the story, and I laughed too, but secretly I wondered, "How do you have sex?" Like, I understand the basics and all, but what happens after that? I mean, where did Sherry go wrong that made her so bad at sex? I know you're not supposed to just lay there, but what exactly do you do? I know you're supposed to move your hips to the same rhythm as his, but what happens if you lose the rhythm? Or if he changes the rhythm? Now what?? Now, you're put in the same category as Sherry. Also, are you supposed to talk to him or just grunt? That sounds so gross and perverted, but I'd really like to know. I'm NOT asking my mother these questions, and I refuse to swallow my pride and ask Joan. She's barely sixteen and she's slept with four boys. I'm two years older, I'M supposed to have more experience. Rebecca's out too, because well...she's Rebecca. She's offered to answer any of my questions, but I don't talk to her about this stuff, really. Supposedly, if you're a really good dancer, especially reggae, you're supposed to be good in bed. I'm a good dancer and all, but I'm not sure if that qualifies me. Dammit, I'm obsessing again, aren't I? Another phobia to look up...
I had the oddest dream last night. Sherry and I used to be friends, but we're not really friends any more. However, I had a dream that she and I were dating. We never kissed, hugged, or even held hands, but I just remember telling everyone that we were dating. Me and a friend whose face I couldn't distinguish were then at a gyno's office. Upstairs they were checking the hetero women and downstairs they were checking the gay women. Even though I was dating Sherry, I was upstairs with my hetero friend. The friend asked me what having sex with a woman was like. I replied, "I don't know, I'm a virgin." The next scene, Sherry and I had broken up, because she was hanging onto this cute guy, flirting. We were on a street corner or something at night. As I was walking past her, we pretended not to see each other. I remember feeling deeply ashamed as I walked away, alone. Now, I've never had any romantic feelings for Sherry and I've definitely never wanted to date her. We weren't even that good of friends. Do dreams try to tell you something, or was it just a stupid dream? Is the unconscious mind being truthful, or just chaotic? Am I gay? I don't think I'm gay, because the thought of sex with a woman totally grosses me out. I'm so confused...
Until my next ramble
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