Self pity in Losing myself

I have lost all sense of what life was and who I was. That world is almost a fantasy. Nothing from then exist now, and that is bad and in good in its own way. My dreams my ambitions are somewhere hidden and I don’t even know where to start looking for them. Maybe I should start with finding myself - this isn’t me. Surely the old me wouldn’t have abused meth and heroin, surely the old me wouldn’t throw away great jobs, friendships, relationships away. But I did. All so quickly too. 8 months seems like years but no I fucked my life up in 8 months. What’s scary is I’m too afraid of changing, I’m so used to the madness and chaos or so numb to it. I’m 19 I should be doing normal 19 year old stuff. But instead I chose this life, I chose to dance with the devil. I choreographed this hell I call life.