This might be a vent session. Or this might be a pity session. Or quite frankly, it might be a little bit of both.
I am writing, anonymously, because I have the unfortunate circumstance of being without the following:
1) a husband who I see on a regular basis
2) friends. Yes, I have friends. but not FRIENDS.
I am sitting here with the rescue dog my husband got for me in March, very well knowing I would be expected to take care of as he never is home and works constantly. I love my dog, more than a human probably should. I sympathize with him in a way that’s probably not normal. But on the contrary, there’s a slight hint of resentment as I’m the one expected to suddenly turn his out-of-control anxiety into feasibility, by myself. My husband is never home. I guess I’ll get to that.
My husband has a very prestigious job that he’s worked his way up to. In fact, he recently just got a promotion and pay raise. I am so happy for him. But I also text him all day with little to no replies. A lot of “sorries, was in a walk through” or “I have a 1, 2, 3 and 4 o’clock”. Sometimes I wonder, if he ever went to a normal schedule of Monday through Friday, 9-5 (Which is what I currently have) - would we even survive? Like our marriage? I never wanted to get married, to be honest, so maybe this is God’s way of telling me I can have my cake and eat it too.
Nights like tonight, it sucks. My life has been a whirlwind these past few months. I left a job that destroyed me, physically and emotionally (as in I gained a bunch of weight due to stress and anxiety constantly) - thankfully, moved to a new job that is so much easier and less crazy. My husband is there for me via text and email, and social media, but not really in the flesh. I wish sometimes, that he would workout with me, or we would take a Friday night and go out… like a normal, under 30 couple. That never happens. He’s too tired. Or what have you. Also, this job has turned him into a 45 year-old quicker than you can say 401k. He is old in spirit, vs. me, who is quite young and eager and willing to try new things and continue making mistakes.
*For those of you thinking he cheats - trust me, he doesn’t. He is scared to death to lose me. He would quit his job if I made a stink. But I don’t. So that’s that. *
Anyway, I digress. I really, really need to get my life back together. It’s honestly hard when you do all of it on your own. I do realize, that my husband could be oversees or deployed- which would be a much different and hard circumstance. Trust me, I know and I feel for those wives who take care of the kids while doing it on their own. I am not there. At all. I am grateful that I’ll see my hubby tonight (Even at 1 am, when he gets home). But it still doesn’t make it any easier that I’m constantly by myself. Evenings. EVERY weekend. Family events. Weddings. God. Name them, I’m alone. I feel like I’m always alone.
Insert example - have been texting him all night, just got a response 3 hours later - sorry, was dealing with an employee with mental health issues.
UGH. I get it. I hope that employee is okay. I hate being supportive but feeling frustrated all the time.
Anyway. That’s all I have. Thank you all for reading.
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