And All Things Will End in 2017

Fuck. I JUST got in a very small accident in a parking lot. We were both backing up out of our spots and backed into each other. It was very slow, no one was hurt, but there is a little bit of paint scraped up on my right back bumper. Just filed my claim through my insurance, hopefully that doesn’t fuck up my Lyft driving. First time dealing with this sort of thing. Adulting blows.

I have been looking for a studio or one bedroom apartment, more shitty adulting. It’s been stressing me out a lot, since I only have a few days left before I’m out of this place. I finally found a reasonable one and went to look at it yesterday. Filled out an app and paid the fee, supposedly I should hear by Monday. It’s been kind of consuming me. I’ve been looking at all the apartment listings on craigslist a couple times a day, both for small apartments and for rooms for rent. I really don’t want to rent a room from some stranger. They all seem 100% opposed to anyone ever having company over or making any noise louder than breathing. A little hyperbole, but nevertheless I seem to have taken having a very laid back roommate for granted. It doesn’t seem like anyone anywhere I’ve looked is like that. Hopefully I get this apartment, and then it won’t be an issue. I want friends to be able to come visit from out of town and have a place to stay, or to be able to have friends over for drinking and Jackbox games once or twice a month. The parking lot is assflakes, it’s just a small L with one spot for each apartment and a blind spot on each side when you exit onto the road it’s off of, but I’ll negotiate with terrorism a little bit if I have to.

My sleep schedule has been insane. I turned into a complete night owl, staying up until 7 in the morning at least. This week, I’ve been trying out driving in the morning, which has been mostly good, so thus I’ve been leaving the house by 6 am, sometimes waking up at 3 and being unable to go back to sleep. All I’ve been focused on is finding a place and trying to make a lot of money driving to aid in that cause. I’ve neglected this place, been even worse than usual about texting people back, but it is what it is. Once I am settled into whatever new place, I can form new habits, let go of most of my stress, and life should be better.

Even tonight, I have a party to go to, but I’ll have to dip out early to do some driving tonight and get the rest of my peak hour rides so that I can get the bonus for this week. I think having a solid schedule is important at some point, especially once school starts up again, but I can deal with that later.

I was pretty bummed for a little while upon it really setting in that Ella will be back in Medford soon. We’ve been roommates for three years, which is the longest I’ve roomed with anyone. There are definitely perks to having your own place, which I will perhaps soon experience for the first time. It’ll be the end of an era, and the last remnant of any familiarity I carried with me upon moving to Portland. Every single thing is different now, from my living situation to my work and even what vehicle I drive. It’s all different now. Even within the realm of what I first came to know, almost every person I met within the first several months of being here has faded away. I have my group of friends, a couple outlying friends that I see occasionally, and that’s it. Perhaps really, truly being on my own will be good for me. I can set a new standard for myself. Or perhaps I’ll descend into a dark place without anyone around to keep me sane. Who knows. I’m prepared though, as I’m always cognizant of the end of things. Everything ends at some point. I’ve become acutely aware of this, and am unable to see it differently. Perhaps that’s why I don’t get as bothered when friends flake out and fade away, or I hear of bad things happening to other people. It sucks, but it’s axiomatic. Maybe I’ve been worn down and weathered, not possessing the energy to be outraged or shocked. When something that seems very out of left field happens, like the Linkin Park singer committing suicide, it’s all “wtf!?” and confusion for a couple minutes, and then acceptance. No matter how weird or unexpected the way is in which things unfold, it goes toward the same end.

That sounds pretty depressing, and it is to an extent, but I also feel it’s pragmatic. I mean, shit does end. Like, all of the shit ever, it all ends, good or bad. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to be concerned about it. If I ever get into wrestling, that’ll definitely be part of my character. An excuse to be a dickbag or whatever. Like, sorry that I hit you behind the ref’s back with a steel chair, but not sorry, ‘cause I’m getting older. Gotta win this championship before I get arthritis and shit.

I really hope that very minor traffic collision doesn’t spell the end of my Lyft career. I suppose that’s the thing I’ll obsess over now until it’s resolved.