I’ve been struggling with depression for years, since I was in my early grades. More recently - at least four years back - suicidal ideation entered the picture.
The reason why I’ve created an account on this website is because I almost killed myself yesterday, and I want to voice how mentally unstable I feel I’ve become.
At least two weeks ago I ran away and almost jumped off a bridge. A few months earlier this year I overdosed - the reason being that I desperately wanted to… well, end my life.
The one thing that got me through yesterday was my mother, who is as well mentally ill.
I used to hate my mum when I was younger. My heart ached with anger whenever I thought of her, and this was because I couldn’t walk hand-in-hand with the fact that she has schizophrenia, and she did not make my life hell.
I grew up without a mother by my side. She was almost never in my life; although, fast-forward fifteen years to now, my mum is truly the only person in my life who is able to empathize with my current challenges and difficulties. For that, I’ve never felt so understood.
I still don’t know if I’m going to resume following my plans, no matter where my heart lays in the decision. I’ve already written a suicide note just in case.
Tomorrow I’m going to be spending more time with my mum, hoping that that will push me forward instead of leaving me grappling for easy rope.
Jeez, I seriously needed to jot some things down baaadly. My insomnia won’t let me fall asleep until at least 4am, but I think this entry helped calm down my very awake mind a bit.
Cheers to anybody who reads this!
Thank you.
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