A few days ago we started talking again. We haven’t been talking for almost two weeks. For us, that’s a lot. Sounds stupid, right? Let’s call him Lucas. The last time I saw him, touched him, was on Friday 30 June 2017, our last school day. It felt like he wanted to kiss me, but I didn’t. I was fighting myself so hard. My urge to kiss him when I’m with him is so big. It’s frustrating. That day I had to catch my flight. He said we’ll see each other in a month. I was confused. So he wants to see me? Does he still love me? Is he still in love with me? I still can’t believe that I’m still asking myself these questions, day by day, week by week, for over a year.
So we’re not a couple. We’re best friends. From friends, to best friends, to friends with some benefits (not those benefits, I’m not that girl), to a relationship, degraded to friends. And that happened twice. And now, we’re still friends.
I love him and I always will.
But it’s so hard, knowing that he broke my trust, twice. I know it’s wrong that I still love him. I mean, I don’t know. Is it? At least, that’s what everyone keeps telling me. But I don’t listen anymore. I know that I tried to move on. But I just can’t. Exactly one year ago, I was heartbroken. Broken inside and out. My parents hated the girl I was that month. I was unhappy. I hate being like that, because I’m not like that. I understand my parents. They were right. I was horrible. Now? I’m doing fine. I learned to live with it. A lot has happened this year. Not only with him. It’s not like my whole life is about this one guy. I’ve lost two family members in one month. I’ve learned to live with pain. That’s why I can be happy now but deal with pain at the same time. It’s a skill that requires experience.
So he started texting me somewhere in mid July. He was asking me how I was doing. He hurts me so much, but why does he still feel the need to check up on me? I said I was doing fine. Days later, he was still messaging me. The conversations were pretty basic. Then he dropped the bomb. I mean, for me, that’s a bomb.
“I’m back in 2 days :))”
-“Really want to go home so badly?”
“Yess”
-“What makes you so excited”
“Nothing reallyy”
”Want to see u xss”
Ugh. I know right? He shouldn’t have. I don’t know what he has done this month. Has he been talking to other girls? Flirting with other girls? Kissing? I don’t know. I can’t trust him and I don’t. The thing is, I’m not afraid to love him, or to be with him. If I want to, I will and I can.
I’m just deadly scared to get hurt again. He made me hate the person I became after his drama. I’m careless, he made me care, too much. I’m happy, he made me happy, a lot, but made me unhappier after. I’m calm, he made me stressed, frustrated, sleepless at night, scared. He made me feel everything. And I will thank him once for making me feel everything. I can use it later on in my life. But I just don’t know if I can ever feel that way again.
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