Doubt and Wonder in The First Life

On the one day in....as long as I remember....that I don’t think about you…
You find me…
Quite literally show me the blood pouring from your mouth.
Tell me you’ve been sad..
I wonder if you told her.
Wonder why you’re telling me.
Wonder if you’re just feeling high.
Just like that, I see you wink at me.
See you laughing that deep, true, laugh.
See you on stage, lost in another version of you.
See you curled up next to me..
See the color green, and the orange sun, and my old car with safety pins in the ceiling, and bottles of malt liquor.
I see you running by my house, drunk, at 3am.
See fire reflecting in your eyes.
See your lips curl at the ends as you lean in to whisper in my ear that you never want to be without me....again.

And there we are.
I’ll hang in this white space and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait.
And wait.

At the end of every word I hope you feel like jumping off the edge.
Falling…letting yourself crash into whatever it is you’re afraid of.
Because my heart beats and I feel it when you speak to me.
Because I need to know I’m not the only one.

I had one love in between you and I and still knew it was you. Always. Always. Always.

Tomorrow things will be different.
I doubt you’ll come find me.
I doubt you’ll see me.
I doubt you’ll remember or even let yourself think…
Of the ways we laughed. The games we played. The way our hands were perfectly aligned. The way we’d listen each other’s heartbeats and feed each other’s minds. And talk all night. And sing away our thoughts and drum up ideas for the future.

I wonder if you think of that.
I wonder if ‘our lives right now’ is a thing of the past yet.

Last updated November 06, 2017