Moving. Forward. in Plan B

Ya. Who am I kidding? Peppers ~ The Power of Equality ~The base to that song is so good. I am chillen on a Friday night fresh wine and this here “my machine” that is what Jerri called her lap top or her cell phone. I know she hated this shit and yes I understand why but it is what it is. I had a smack in the face ( sort of ) when I got off work. I had a fucked up day at work it was cray cray busy and add corp. on top ya good times. I called Jerri’s house phone and it got replaced with a message. This number is no longer her number ect. ect. All I wanted to do was listen to her voice. Ya. I know that sounds odd such as me. AC/DC - Problem Child....Most def. Anyway it shocked me. I love hearing her voice and now it’s gone well phone wize it is. But one thing butterflies have been hitting me up this week like no other. I uhave this bamboo in front of the house and there were butterflies all over it this week. No reason. It is not a flowering plant by any means. Just there. Then when I visited Elmer and Jim ( my old neibs - for reals. Elmer is 88 mayby and Jim is 70? ) the butterflies just flew by one after the other. Even they comment on it. Swallows and Monarchs and the other ones my niece knows. One brushed against my face. I know that is Jerri. So I welcome her that way. I just get overwhelmed with loss.
I have been going to the beach. Last year I didn’t go at all. This year I am sucking it in like a tourist. On thuresday when I went for some reason and I don’t know why because it isn’t me in the real me but I left my drivers side window down at a beach parking lot. Grant you this beach parking lot only has 3 spaces. One crip and 2 non crip. With that being said I went and all 3 spots were open I took the next to the last one closet to the street. No one fucked with my car. No one. At. All. Ya. That is where Mom N Dad and Jerri is watching out for me. That is what scares me ever since this happened I have lost a part of me. Not just my heart but my self confidence and common sense. Kind of scary actually. Missed a couple of car accidents just by luck and there are other examples but just the same it is scary to me. I am not use to being not in control. No. I know this will take time but in the mean time it is fucking with me and I don’t like it. I feel like a puzzle that a piece is missing and that piece is Jerri. Gawd I miss her.
Light candles and breath. Yoga, sunshine and watermelon juice. With vodka. Ya baby. not. No. I thought of going out tonight with the shitty day at work but it wouldn’t have solved nothing and to leave Romie no. So here I am and ever so grateful for. This sight has saved me more times than I can count.