…that AA would ask me out this weekend. I know it’s only Sunday, but we’ve had a few texts back and forth (casual), and then nothing.
I’ve been really, really depressed over the weekend. To the point that I think some big things need to change. So tired of complaining and walking around with a lump in my throat. I desperately wanted to have a big, cleansing cry at some point, but even that is stuck.
I’m stuck for the moment.
Big things going on inside me - pretty sure this is what menopause looks like, though I’m still having the womanly stuff going on (I DID skip a month last month, which is NOT normal, and so that’s what I’m thinking…). Anyway, I’ve started taking supplements regularly for the first time in my life:
- Calcium
- Vitamin D
- Vitamin B12
- Magnesium
- and this herbal supplement called Black Cohosh, which is supposed to help with hot flashes, of which I have had zero, and I’m wondering if it’s because of this or that I simply won’t get them (knock wood)?
But the big thing is the loneliness. It’s crept up on me over the last couple of weeks and it really washed over me this weekend - especially Friday and Saturday nights. Yes, I could be making plans with my girlfriends, sure. But guys, I want some MALE companionship. I love my girls, I do, but I really, really want a man in my life. I’m just aching for some masculine energy in my life. I miss that so much.
And the thing is, it’s not like I’m not trying. It’s not like I haven’t made a shift in my attitude about men. I’m OPEN. I’m so open to the idea of giving everyone a chance. You read it in my previous couple of entries. It’s like, time. I’m willing…so willing…to try!
Why is it so hard? Why????? What is the vibe I’m giving off? I don’t think it’s desperation. I don’t think it’s bitchiness. But then again, maybe it is? Am I oozing attitude? What could it be?
I guess this does sound a little desperate, huh? I’ve asked all these questions before.
But see, I’m definitely not waiting for a guy to show up - you can see that I’m taking vacations and going out and doing things. I’m not sitting at home alone (well, besides this weekend, heh). I’m out and about. I’m taking MYSELF on dates! I’m on the stupid dating apps. I’m doing everything I know to do.
I guess I’m down because I got so excited about that brunch with AA last week - that romantic stuff, the kiss. Then nothing.
Okay, need to finish today’s cleaning. Laundry and bathroom and straightening up. Then I need to clean out my car because…
Later this afternoon I’m going to meet my parents at the airport to pick up my brother and SIL and my baby niece! I’m so excited to meet Anna, my little Chinese niece!!! They are moving here, at least for the time being, at least for the school year (my brother is a teacher), and possibly forever.
But today, my parents need help in case they brought too much luggage. They can each bring 2 cases, so if they brought 6 bags, I need to help with the transport. So I’ll pick them up at the airport and we’ll drive the hour and 1/2 back to my parents place, probably have dinner and then I’ll drive the hour back home. Should be interesting! They will have traveled a long way and I hope they are feeling okay! :)
So, onward with the day. Gotta shake off these blues and get a move on.
I love yous!
xox,
GS
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