I'm feeling... in Book of M...
- May 26, 2017, 10:29 a.m.
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- Public
I’m really not sure…
Like I’m wasting time…
Like I’m never going to find anyone I actually see a future with…
Like hopeless and miserable and just worthless…
I took today off because I needed a 4 day weekend. The dogs/pigs woke me up at 7 to go out and have breakfast. I crawled back into bed, but never got back to sleep. Instead I laid here and watched Because I Said So. And the more I watched, the more I realized that I’m wasting my time. I want someone that I can just be myself around. And I don’t want a doormat. And I don’t want to fake enthusiasm in bed or any other aspect. I want a guy who’s interested in me, even the stupid parts, who loves my animals as much as I do and doesn’t think I’m crazy for it, who has opinions and will make decisions and not change them or apologize for them just because I may disagree and especially not cry because they’re afraid they pissed me off. I want a guy who wants and is willing to take the time to explore every inch of me, with his mind, eyes, fingers, and lips. And be interested in morning cuddles at least some days. He’ll, I want a guy who wants to see me more than once a week and makes time for that because in his world seeing me is a priority and not an option. I want a guy who wants children and is willing to travel that road with me no matter how difficult.
In other news, as usual, I was doing good. I was backing away. I was missing him, but I was dealing. But per usual, then a serious talk, opening up, and I’m pulled back in. Hands like an ocean, push you out, pull you back in. It’s an awful cycle. It’s a love/hate relationship. I hate that I love it. And watching ridiculous love stories where things implode and then somehow all the pieces get put back together again is not helpful.
I need more sleep.
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ May 26, 2017
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for those things in a significant other. We should all want similar things in a companion.
Down the rabbit hole... Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ May 26, 2017
I don't think so either, but at the same time I also don't think the guy I'm currently crushing on can necessarily provide that either.
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes Down the rabbit hole... ⋅ May 26, 2017
You can't force what's not there, I know from experience that just being friends with someone you want more from is complete torture. Tread carefully, time is too short to stagnate the pursuit of happiness. In fact, chances are that you won't find it if you're chasing it at all. At whatever point though when it finds you, you need to be open to receive it.
Down the rabbit hole... Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ May 26, 2017
It is complete torture... especially when there have been bits of more. I can't really say I'm chasing anything currently... just sick of being bored and home alone.
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes Down the rabbit hole... ⋅ May 26, 2017
Me too. I'm the sort of person that likes to get out and do things, hiking, traveling, having adventures etc... I'm currently struck with illness and haven't been able to work for nearly a year. Hospitalized repeatedly. I miss working, I love what I do despite 14 - 16 hour days on average. I miss earning a paycheck (despite living paycheck to paycheck). I definitely know and understand the misery of being bored and home alone. Sick or not, it's hell. You miss 'life'.
Down the rabbit hole... Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ May 26, 2017
That really sucks! I hope you get better soon! I just hate doing things by myself generally and have limited friends who work opposite schedules. Plus I have 22 animals to take care of so that complicates things. Of course this past year is the first time I've ever lived on my own.
Exhumed By Scrying Eyes Down the rabbit hole... ⋅ May 26, 2017
Thank you, me too. 22 animals? I don't think I could manage that much responsibility. How do you do it? I had 2 pugs (unfortunately one passed away last year) and they were a handful. My 2nd full time job, lol, not that I'm complaining, my pugs are my therapy (physically and emotionally).
Down the rabbit hole... Exhumed By Scrying Eyes ⋅ May 26, 2017
Eh... I think most people think it's worse than it actually is. Now yes I admit the cleaning seems never-ending, but I love them. And it just got bumped to 22 less than 2 weeks ago bc one of my goats kidded. There's 4 dogs (3 of which are Jack russells), 7 cats, 2 potbelly pigs, and 9 Nigerian dwarf goats. And everything but the goats live inside. The pigs are generally the best behaved and the smartest and I don't care that Daisy weighs like 100 lbs lol. But taking care of them isn't complicated it's more just the cleaning up. It's worse at the beginning of summer when the pigs blow their coats or when it rains, but wouldn't trade them for anything.