Obfuscation in 2017

Well, thinking back to the last entry, I was right. I couldn’t sleep until about 9AM. Even after waking up later, I still didn’t feel good. And through most of the week. It seems likely that I’ve developed some sort of lactose intolerance or allergy to something. So I spent another week in bed, sleeping at odd hours and playing Persona 4. My coughing and whatnot is like, 99% gone at this point. I guess the 1% can hang around. You can only drink shitty offbrand Dayquil so many times before it’s tasting bad and doing nothing else.

I’ve had a lot of anxiety thinking about school, since I’m so far behind. I didn’t go last week either. The only real solution is to drop my classes, eat the cost of taking out loans for ultimately no reason, figure out what is wrong with me, fix it, get my shit together, and try again next time. I think a lot of it must be mental. I certainly feel like I’ve regressed in the past month. Laying in bed, staying up late, sleeping in late, playing games, it’s like when I was younger. Back then, it was a refuge from boredom, or thinking about things. There’s nothing to hide from these days. Work, when I feel well enough to drive around, is generally fun enough. I have a good group of friends. There’s still time to make something happen with wrestling or music if I just fucking try.

If anything, my room is becoming a tomb. Suffocating my ambition. I really haven’t been feeling well and have had more problem sleeping than probably ever before, but maybe I am milking it. Where legitimacy ends and excuse begins, I’m not sure.

Even now, I feel nauseous and a little lightheaded. As soon as I left trivia earlier, I felt like that. There’s no good reason for it. I did have some dairy, but my stomach only hurts a little. Perhaps I’m dehydrated.

I do need to figure out where I’m headed, though. School is the reasonable way to go, but I am already tiring of it again. Honestly, I could have kept up on homework, even while feeling ill. I didn’t. I need to figure out why. If someone wants to do something badly enough, they will. I haven’t been doing that. Do I really not care enough to keep trying to improve my future? I’m already in debt now, it would be stupid to stop here without anything else to show for it.

My head just doesn’t feel clear. I was waiting for my body to recover to improve my mind. It could be that the opposite needs to happen. I need to figure shit out.