This is me now. Just another statistic. A newly single mother living in a council flat with my daughter. My absolutely beautiful, loving, funny, challenging 18 month old daughter. This isn’t how it was supposed to turn out. We were all supposed to be a family. A loving, supportive, disgustingly cute kind of family. Isn’t that what everyone wishes for? We started off that way.
But now it’s just me and her. Some days it’s just me. These are the hardest days. The days where her father picks her up and brings her home two days later and I’m alone. I know what you’re thinking “People go through this shit everyday… Tons of children live with broken families,” and I know that I am lucky to have what I have; a home, money (benefits) coming in… (Told you that I’m just another statistic,) an ex partner who wants to see his child… but this wasn’t supposed to happen. We were supposed to all be together, it was supposed to be difficult but worth it.
Do I still love him? Yes. And I probably always will. But he let me down when I needed him the most. I was a burden to him and I felt more alone than I ever had in my whole life. We moved away from friends and family, worked opposite shifts, drifted apart when all we had was each other and our beautiful girl. He started spending more than he earned on nothing. I was providing for the three of us whilst he lied and hid his spending. I was living a single mother life for months before I actually became one. Looking after my baby and a grown man that hadn’t learned to grow up.
I’m not even sure if anyone is even reading this and if you are you’re probably judging me about how selfish and ungrateful I am and how my problems aren’t a big deal and they’re not to me either… They’re a HUGE deal to me. Like an enormous weight is being carried on my shoulders, wondering whether I should have just smiled and carried on for the sake of my daughter. Whether I should just forgive him even though the situation is the same and be a family that are not supportive to one another, not affectionate or even close to the kind of family I dreamed of having for myself, just so I can see my girl everyday. So I don’t break down in tears every time she has a tough morning because it’s the last time I will see her for a few days…
I understand that he must feel this way too. He is a great father to our daughter, I know he loves her and that he misses her dreadfully when he’s not with her too and I have to live with the fact that it is my fault she doesn’t get to live with both parents. I have to live with the fact that he doesn’t get to live with his daughter full time. I did this to them because I thought I was being strong when in fact, maybe I was just weak?
The silence is deafening.
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