To the man who helped make my son in Letters from the heart

It will be two years in August. Two years since I said no more. Two years since I found the strength to leave. And now after two years I still see the damage you have caused. after two years I still can not let my walls down and I still walk on egg shells. you may be gone but our impact on my is still very much there. I have been told to forgive and grow from being the victim of abuse. something I did not understand was that you are not the person I am supposed to be forgiving. I am supposed to forgive myself. forgiveness for letting you in and breaking the person I was. and I intend to forgive myself because I deserve it. you made me feel for so long as though I did not deserve anything but I know now that is not true. so I am forgiving myself and I can promise I will never forget my worth or what I deserve. I was so weak to you and I realised there was nothing I could do because that is what you wanted. you wanted me to be weak and dependent. you didn’t want me to work so I needed you to provide for me at the same time screaming at me to get a job you would not take me to for your own enjoyment. you enjoyed every time you hit me and pushed me down when we had an argument. and when I tried to defend myself from you, you enjoyed it even more. but my question to you is how? how could you be so disgustingly cruel to the mother of your child? how could you be so cruel to do it in front of your child? I remember so vividly how you tore into the bedroom in an angry rage spitting fire. I remember how you ripped me off the bed while I was breastfeeding our 7-month-old baby and then proceeded to beat me with our child still in my arms. I remember how you took our son from me and ran outside in the cold leaving me to scream and run after you fearing our sweet child’s life. the pounding in my ears was deafening and I scrambled for the phone. do you remember what came next? I remember. you were back in the house pulling my phone out of my hand and shattering it into a useless heap. I remember searching the room as you rained fists down on my head trying to find our sons face. then finally my gazed caught sight of him paralyzed with fear on the couch. I remember begging and pleading for you to stop and apologizing in a hope you would take pity on me. when you finally allowed me to hold our son as your rage subsided I could not breathe. I remember what you did after the savage beating you gave me. you laid on the couch holding me and our son promising me that would never happen again and making me promise I wouldn’t get you worked up again. that day was the day I lost all love for you. that day you became as disgusting and vile as cancer in one’s body. I know you will bring up the fact that I stayed for two more months after this beating but it was not because I loved you or because I was stupid enough to believe you when you said you would change. no. it is because I needed help to leave you. you broke me down to almost nothing and I knew that I could not pull myself back up without extra support. I am so proud of those two last months of being with you and enduring because I knew the end was near. I was building my strength and resources and I prevailed. I know you may not think I have because as previously stated the damage you caused is still there but trust me I have. I have defeated you and you can no longer cause damage. I am raising our son to be a kind and caring man, something you know nothing about. you will never know what its like when he wakes up in the morning and smiles. you will never know the feeling of his little hand in yours walking on a trail in the woods. you will never hear the sound of his laughter when he is chasing the cat. all you will know is you are the man who helped make my son. and in time I will heal. I will become so much more than the victim of abuse. I will be so much more than a single mother. because I deserve it and so much more.