I don't really have an awful lot to report on the health front. I'm still recovering from the relapse and a bit worried that it's taking so long but as each week passes I get a little stronger. My main aim at the moment is to get at least one counselling client back - currently my limit for level of activity seems to be 2-3 hours so one would be feasible - and I have an appointment with my supervisor on Thursday afternoon to discuss that.
As far as University goes, I'm definitely deferring my course and will think long and hard about whether I should just withdraw altogether. From what I can gather, every time you relapse you risk never recovering to the point you were at before the relapse and that does seem to be borne out by my experience so far. I found a good forum for support though and have learned quite a lot from it already. One of the posts on there called 'The Lost Years' is absolutely heartbreaking - it's basically a tally of how long people have been ill and is pages and pages long. Screeds of kids of age 8/12/20/30 who have been fighting this thing for 10/20/30/40 years and have had no proper life to speak of - no education, no career, no romantic relationships, no kids, no dreams and dependent on their immediate family to get them through the week. Whilst all the time fighting a living nightmare and trying to get people to understand they really are ill and it's NOT psychological.
It made me realise just how lucky I am and how much of a decent life I've already had - it's all these great memories sparked off by an image in a book, a piece of music, a phrase somebody says or just some deep thinking which I draw on and which fortify me when I'm stuck in bed. Which is why I have to think long and hard about the University course because I could well be risking the remaining memories I'm going to have if I go ahead and start again in September.
Anyway here's a fun survey to distract from all the seriousness!
Who was your FIRST disco date?
Well I'm not sure if it would count as a disco or prom but the church threw a Sunday School 'disco' at Christmas when I was around 13 and I remember dancing away to my heart's content with David Dowling.
Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Sadly David's love for me wasn't reciprocated and he eventually got the message. My heart was taken instead with a guy called Ronnie Aitchison who lived a couple of streets away from me but don't think knew I existed! And I wouldn't want to talk to him now because his wife ended up doing some gardening for Mum a few years ago so he's obviously quite happily married!
What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
Advocaat and lemonade. When I was old enough Dad used to allow me to drink one or two at New Year. I think I was allowed to have the odd sherry after that if it was offered.
When was the FIRST time you got drunk?
That was when I went down to stay with my sister, Lorna, in one of her flats in Glasgow. We went out then went to a party at her then boyfriend's house, buying a carryout on the way. She wasn't sure what to get for me so decided on a bottle of Martini. I polished off the lot. All I can remember of the night is working out how to get to the door of the sitting room from my spot on the floor to go to the toilet because there was an electric heater in the way. I remember sitting for ages concocting the elaborate pathway I was going to take then got up and hammered straight into the heater sending it flying across the room! When we got home I went straight to bed and was undressing when I realised one of Lorna's male flatmates was standing in the hall watching me through the open bedroom door (ewww). I knew who it was and was just grateful it wasn't her boyfriend! And then hours later when she came to bed I couldn't sleep and she asked me if I had backward spirals? I had never heard of such a thing but was completely and utterly impressed that she was describing what I was feeling EXACTLY. She got up to make me a cup of tea and I went to the loo - when I came back to the bedroom I was so drunk I had to actually feel the bed to see if she was in it!! Funnily enough I don't remember the hangover the next day but I bet it was a corker ......
What was your FIRST job?
Well my very first job, as was the case with all 4 of us, was working in Dad's shops and bakehouse. I also had a babysitting job at the weekends looking after a toddler and a 6 month old baby. When I went to college I had a temporary job in the summer holidays as work experience for my college course in the Royal Bank in Inverness. Then at the end of the course I temped in various oil companies for a few months but my first real permanent job was as a Shorthand Typist working for the NHS in their Pay Unit in Inverness. I was there for a year before I moved to Aberdeen.
What was your FIRST car?
A green FIAT Uno which had been Mum's. She treated herself to a blue upgrade and I bought the green one off her when I passed my test. Loved that wee car purely for the independence it gave me.
Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
My brother Ian.
What is the FIRST thing you thought of this morning?
"Thank goodness I don't have to get on that ship"!!
I had been dreaming about this weekend package thing which was on the go on a ship which had just come into the local harbour. Lots of people were taking up the offer and Mum and I were thinking about doing it as well but it was the filthiest, mankiest, crappiest piece of iron you ever saw and I had already been on it and knew the toilets were awful. I only had a certain amount of time before I had to book if we were going and I kept stalling then when I woke up I was so relieved it was just a dream! I also needed the loo which usually gives me vivid dreams about awful toilets so that explained it! That was around 5 a.m. or so and I went back to sleep and had even more complex, busy dreams which I can only remember fragments of now which is really annoying - I'm desperately trying to fill in the gaps but none of it makes any sense. I woke at 9 again needing the loo and once more relieved I didn't have to get back on that awful ship!!
Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Isobel Nisbet. Lovely lovely teacher - I can still see her clearly. She was really good with little ones and I can remember being proud as punch at her delight when I was the only one in the class to be able to pronounce the word 'vegetable'!
Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an aeroplane?
I think it was Portugal in 1978 for a holiday with Mum and 2 of Dad's sisters. It was only 2 years after Dad died and I think it was a gesture on the part of his sisters to try and cheer Mum up. I, on the other hand, being 19 and not too delighted at being stuck playing Scrabble every night with 3 women, got asked out by our tour bus driver and nearly drove Mum into an early grave as well by not returning from a date with him until the early hours of the morning!
Who was your FIRST best friend?
A little boy called James who stayed 2 doors up from me. Then it was Fiona Wotherspoon but she had to move to Edinburgh when her Dad died. Then it was Brian Peach who moved in next door. I have NO clue why I was picking out boys for best friends over girls!
Where was the FIRST place you stayed overnight?
Now this I can't actually remember. Sleepovers weren't a thing when I was young so I don't think it would have been at a friend's house. When I was younger it was probably at my Auntie Nellie's here in Aberdeen. She was my Mum's sister and had no children (but would have made a brilliant mum). She married late in life so I think that was the reason. I would come down for a week or two in the summer holidays and be thoroughly spoiled :) Apart from that the first time I would have gone away on my own to stay overnight somewhere would have been at Lorna's. Once she moved to Glasgow to go to University there, I would often go down and stay with her in whatever flat she was in at the time. I thought this was the bees knees - staying in a flat with actual flatmates and being able to do what you liked (such as getting drunk on Martini!!). One time I left the immersion heater on by mistake when I went to take a bath then changed my mind and she made me pay 50p (it was the seventies) towards it so I think I realised then it wasn't all fun and games!!
Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
I haven't talked to anyone yet but I presume it will be Nikki as I'm just away out to her house to babysit Lilah for a couple of hours.
Whose wedding were you IN FIRST ?
That would be Mike, my second oldest brother. He married a girl from what was then Ceylon - Jenny - and got mentioned in the local paper because it was 1972 and he had a boutique in Ganton street which was just off Carnaby Street in London at the time and Jenny was a pretty slip of a thing. So it was kind of 'local boy made good comes back to home town to marry his exotic young bride' sort of thing. I was a bridesmaid as was Lorna then there were family and friends up from London wearing all sorts of exotic seventies fashion Inverness had never seen the likes of! I don't have a scanner any more otherwise I'd show you a photo of the wedding but this was taken the same month they got married - we were all going out to lunch and I remember it because I got the same version of that tank top Jenny's wearing for my birthday and wasn't allowed to wear it because it was a Sunday! And obviously the world would explode if I did.
What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Went to the loo and thanked the Lord I didn't have to go book a place on that blasted ship!!
What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
My friend and I saw Runrig at the University Student's Union before they became properly famous but the first actual concert was Rod Stewart at the Caird Hall in Dundee. And it was brilliant. I was around 19 at the time.
What was the FIRST tattoo you got?
Don't have one. Don't want one.
FIRST piercing?
Ears - for my 16th birthday present. I got them done properly, unlike Lorna - who did a do-it-yourself effort with a needle and the kettle.
FIRST foreign country you’ve gone to?
That would have been Norway with the school on their Baltic Sea cruise. As one whose holidays were normally in a caravan in Nairn which was 20 minutes away from Inverness I thought this was super-exotic and loved every minute of it. I still have my ID card and Log Book:
FIRST movie you remember seeing in theatre.
That was 'The Three Lives Of Thomasina' when I was around 4. Lorna took me and it was so sad I was absolutely inconsolable and she had to take me home before the end. Super-sensitive even then!
When was your FIRST detention?
I first got the strap at the tender age of 7 I'm ashamed to say but it was totally unjustified. I was put in charge of the whole class (at age 7!!) while the teacher went somewhere else and there was absolute mayhem as a result. I couldn't control it and she came back to find me shouting at the top of my voice at a bunch of unruly boys to try and get them to behave. Which - as a point of note - was exactly what SHE used to do to try and get us to behave on a daily basis. And I got the strap for that!
Where was your FIRST kiss?
My very first proper French kiss was from a boyfriend of Lorna's best friend's friend called Mac at a Hogmanay party. I was only 13 and it was the slobbiest drippiest most disgusting thing I'd ever experienced! I also had no idea it was coming so was more than a little taken aback ....... Having said that the guy could play a mean Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town on the spoons as I remember :)
Who was your FIRST roommate?
There were 3 of them! All in one room! Actually I suppose the first one was technically Lorna but I'm assuming family doesn't count. So then it would have been Angie, Gill and Kirstie. The room was a large one but my God she was onto a good thing that landlady of ours. 4 of us in that front room, 3 in the back bedroom, 2 up in the attic and 2 in 2 single rooms. £10 a week - £12 for the single rooms. So she was raking in £114 a week - and this was in 1975 so that wasn't bad.
What is something you would learn FIRST if you could?
Goodness I've no idea! There's nothing standing out at the moment - probably because my brain's pretty full as it is right now. I would quite like to learn to cook properly - more for my health's sake - but just don't have the energy and also feel embarrassed that I can't do it at this great age.
Did you marry the FIRST person to ask for your hand in marriage?
I did indeed.
What was the FIRST sport that you were involved in?
I loved volleyball at school - and lacrosse - and hockey. And badminton. But I'm not sure which one came first to be honest. At primary school I don't remember doing any sports apart from high jump.
What were the FIRST lessons you ever took?
Piano would have been first or perhaps ballet. Piano was around age 5 and I think ballet might have been earlier. Then tap and Highland dancing. Gave ballet up around age 10 I think but the other 3 continued until I left home. And I also took violin lessons at school and played in the School orchestra.
What is the FIRST thing you do when you get mad?
Try and write it out to diffuse it. Depends on the situation and how mad I am!
What was your FIRST cell phone?
I think it might have been a W995 or a flipphone and I still have them stuffed in a drawer! I loved the W995 for the camera and music and then I started going out with a guy who had a smartphone and he wanted me to get one so's we could send free texts to each other so I did. Which would have been in 2009 or thereabouts so I was a little late to the party.
Who was your FIRST crush?
That was probably Shand Ramsey in Primary 5 so I would have been around 10 - just at the time this school photo was taken. Shand is on the right of the back row. I'll leave you to guess where I am.
I remember the humiliating experience of being thrown together with him in a game of Postman's Knock at a birthday party and he didn't want to kiss! What sort of sadist invented that game anyway??!
When was your FIRST date?
That was to the 'shows' (amusements/carnival/Waltzers etc.) with Gary Campbell, the rather portly guy right in the middle of that back row. I was 13 and chuffed to be asked 'out' but knowing there was more chance of hell freezing over than being allowed to go. So I concocted a story for Mam & Dad of going over to my friend's house then took my bike out of the shed, cycled down the back lane and left it at the bottom. We met up with another couple and had a brilliant time - all very innocent - I think he pecked me on the cheek when saying goodnight. I picked up my bike, cycled up the back lane to our back gate, deposited the bike in the shed and innocently walked through our back door.
I thought I'd got away with it and in my next letter to Lorna, wrote screeds gleefully telling her all about it. I left the letter downstairs in its envelope, addressed and just waiting for a stamp which Mam said she had and would post it for me. Dad saw it and read it. I'm actually still quite shocked he did that but I'm presuming there must have been good reason. Anyway he brought it upstairs to me and quietly told me he'd read it all and was very disappointed that I'd lied. Somehow that was far worse than a full-blown argument or punishment and it completely spoiled the whole experience.
Ah the joys of teenage angst!
As far as University goes, I'm definitely deferring my course and will think long and hard about whether I should just withdraw altogether. From what I can gather, every time you relapse you risk never recovering to the point you were at before the relapse and that does seem to be borne out by my experience so far. I found a good forum for support though and have learned quite a lot from it already. One of the posts on there called 'The Lost Years' is absolutely heartbreaking - it's basically a tally of how long people have been ill and is pages and pages long. Screeds of kids of age 8/12/20/30 who have been fighting this thing for 10/20/30/40 years and have had no proper life to speak of - no education, no career, no romantic relationships, no kids, no dreams and dependent on their immediate family to get them through the week. Whilst all the time fighting a living nightmare and trying to get people to understand they really are ill and it's NOT psychological.
It made me realise just how lucky I am and how much of a decent life I've already had - it's all these great memories sparked off by an image in a book, a piece of music, a phrase somebody says or just some deep thinking which I draw on and which fortify me when I'm stuck in bed. Which is why I have to think long and hard about the University course because I could well be risking the remaining memories I'm going to have if I go ahead and start again in September.
Anyway here's a fun survey to distract from all the seriousness!
Who was your FIRST disco date?
Well I'm not sure if it would count as a disco or prom but the church threw a Sunday School 'disco' at Christmas when I was around 13 and I remember dancing away to my heart's content with David Dowling.
Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Sadly David's love for me wasn't reciprocated and he eventually got the message. My heart was taken instead with a guy called Ronnie Aitchison who lived a couple of streets away from me but don't think knew I existed! And I wouldn't want to talk to him now because his wife ended up doing some gardening for Mum a few years ago so he's obviously quite happily married!
What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
Advocaat and lemonade. When I was old enough Dad used to allow me to drink one or two at New Year. I think I was allowed to have the odd sherry after that if it was offered.
When was the FIRST time you got drunk?
That was when I went down to stay with my sister, Lorna, in one of her flats in Glasgow. We went out then went to a party at her then boyfriend's house, buying a carryout on the way. She wasn't sure what to get for me so decided on a bottle of Martini. I polished off the lot. All I can remember of the night is working out how to get to the door of the sitting room from my spot on the floor to go to the toilet because there was an electric heater in the way. I remember sitting for ages concocting the elaborate pathway I was going to take then got up and hammered straight into the heater sending it flying across the room! When we got home I went straight to bed and was undressing when I realised one of Lorna's male flatmates was standing in the hall watching me through the open bedroom door (ewww). I knew who it was and was just grateful it wasn't her boyfriend! And then hours later when she came to bed I couldn't sleep and she asked me if I had backward spirals? I had never heard of such a thing but was completely and utterly impressed that she was describing what I was feeling EXACTLY. She got up to make me a cup of tea and I went to the loo - when I came back to the bedroom I was so drunk I had to actually feel the bed to see if she was in it!! Funnily enough I don't remember the hangover the next day but I bet it was a corker ......
What was your FIRST job?
Well my very first job, as was the case with all 4 of us, was working in Dad's shops and bakehouse. I also had a babysitting job at the weekends looking after a toddler and a 6 month old baby. When I went to college I had a temporary job in the summer holidays as work experience for my college course in the Royal Bank in Inverness. Then at the end of the course I temped in various oil companies for a few months but my first real permanent job was as a Shorthand Typist working for the NHS in their Pay Unit in Inverness. I was there for a year before I moved to Aberdeen.
What was your FIRST car?
A green FIAT Uno which had been Mum's. She treated herself to a blue upgrade and I bought the green one off her when I passed my test. Loved that wee car purely for the independence it gave me.
Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
My brother Ian.
What is the FIRST thing you thought of this morning?
"Thank goodness I don't have to get on that ship"!!
I had been dreaming about this weekend package thing which was on the go on a ship which had just come into the local harbour. Lots of people were taking up the offer and Mum and I were thinking about doing it as well but it was the filthiest, mankiest, crappiest piece of iron you ever saw and I had already been on it and knew the toilets were awful. I only had a certain amount of time before I had to book if we were going and I kept stalling then when I woke up I was so relieved it was just a dream! I also needed the loo which usually gives me vivid dreams about awful toilets so that explained it! That was around 5 a.m. or so and I went back to sleep and had even more complex, busy dreams which I can only remember fragments of now which is really annoying - I'm desperately trying to fill in the gaps but none of it makes any sense. I woke at 9 again needing the loo and once more relieved I didn't have to get back on that awful ship!!
Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Isobel Nisbet. Lovely lovely teacher - I can still see her clearly. She was really good with little ones and I can remember being proud as punch at her delight when I was the only one in the class to be able to pronounce the word 'vegetable'!
Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an aeroplane?
I think it was Portugal in 1978 for a holiday with Mum and 2 of Dad's sisters. It was only 2 years after Dad died and I think it was a gesture on the part of his sisters to try and cheer Mum up. I, on the other hand, being 19 and not too delighted at being stuck playing Scrabble every night with 3 women, got asked out by our tour bus driver and nearly drove Mum into an early grave as well by not returning from a date with him until the early hours of the morning!
Who was your FIRST best friend?
A little boy called James who stayed 2 doors up from me. Then it was Fiona Wotherspoon but she had to move to Edinburgh when her Dad died. Then it was Brian Peach who moved in next door. I have NO clue why I was picking out boys for best friends over girls!
Where was the FIRST place you stayed overnight?
Now this I can't actually remember. Sleepovers weren't a thing when I was young so I don't think it would have been at a friend's house. When I was younger it was probably at my Auntie Nellie's here in Aberdeen. She was my Mum's sister and had no children (but would have made a brilliant mum). She married late in life so I think that was the reason. I would come down for a week or two in the summer holidays and be thoroughly spoiled :) Apart from that the first time I would have gone away on my own to stay overnight somewhere would have been at Lorna's. Once she moved to Glasgow to go to University there, I would often go down and stay with her in whatever flat she was in at the time. I thought this was the bees knees - staying in a flat with actual flatmates and being able to do what you liked (such as getting drunk on Martini!!). One time I left the immersion heater on by mistake when I went to take a bath then changed my mind and she made me pay 50p (it was the seventies) towards it so I think I realised then it wasn't all fun and games!!
Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
I haven't talked to anyone yet but I presume it will be Nikki as I'm just away out to her house to babysit Lilah for a couple of hours.
Whose wedding were you IN FIRST ?
That would be Mike, my second oldest brother. He married a girl from what was then Ceylon - Jenny - and got mentioned in the local paper because it was 1972 and he had a boutique in Ganton street which was just off Carnaby Street in London at the time and Jenny was a pretty slip of a thing. So it was kind of 'local boy made good comes back to home town to marry his exotic young bride' sort of thing. I was a bridesmaid as was Lorna then there were family and friends up from London wearing all sorts of exotic seventies fashion Inverness had never seen the likes of! I don't have a scanner any more otherwise I'd show you a photo of the wedding but this was taken the same month they got married - we were all going out to lunch and I remember it because I got the same version of that tank top Jenny's wearing for my birthday and wasn't allowed to wear it because it was a Sunday! And obviously the world would explode if I did.
What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Went to the loo and thanked the Lord I didn't have to go book a place on that blasted ship!!
What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
My friend and I saw Runrig at the University Student's Union before they became properly famous but the first actual concert was Rod Stewart at the Caird Hall in Dundee. And it was brilliant. I was around 19 at the time.
What was the FIRST tattoo you got?
Don't have one. Don't want one.
FIRST piercing?
Ears - for my 16th birthday present. I got them done properly, unlike Lorna - who did a do-it-yourself effort with a needle and the kettle.
FIRST foreign country you’ve gone to?
That would have been Norway with the school on their Baltic Sea cruise. As one whose holidays were normally in a caravan in Nairn which was 20 minutes away from Inverness I thought this was super-exotic and loved every minute of it. I still have my ID card and Log Book:
FIRST movie you remember seeing in theatre.
That was 'The Three Lives Of Thomasina' when I was around 4. Lorna took me and it was so sad I was absolutely inconsolable and she had to take me home before the end. Super-sensitive even then!
When was your FIRST detention?
I first got the strap at the tender age of 7 I'm ashamed to say but it was totally unjustified. I was put in charge of the whole class (at age 7!!) while the teacher went somewhere else and there was absolute mayhem as a result. I couldn't control it and she came back to find me shouting at the top of my voice at a bunch of unruly boys to try and get them to behave. Which - as a point of note - was exactly what SHE used to do to try and get us to behave on a daily basis. And I got the strap for that!
Where was your FIRST kiss?
My very first proper French kiss was from a boyfriend of Lorna's best friend's friend called Mac at a Hogmanay party. I was only 13 and it was the slobbiest drippiest most disgusting thing I'd ever experienced! I also had no idea it was coming so was more than a little taken aback ....... Having said that the guy could play a mean Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town on the spoons as I remember :)
Who was your FIRST roommate?
There were 3 of them! All in one room! Actually I suppose the first one was technically Lorna but I'm assuming family doesn't count. So then it would have been Angie, Gill and Kirstie. The room was a large one but my God she was onto a good thing that landlady of ours. 4 of us in that front room, 3 in the back bedroom, 2 up in the attic and 2 in 2 single rooms. £10 a week - £12 for the single rooms. So she was raking in £114 a week - and this was in 1975 so that wasn't bad.
What is something you would learn FIRST if you could?
Goodness I've no idea! There's nothing standing out at the moment - probably because my brain's pretty full as it is right now. I would quite like to learn to cook properly - more for my health's sake - but just don't have the energy and also feel embarrassed that I can't do it at this great age.
Did you marry the FIRST person to ask for your hand in marriage?
I did indeed.
What was the FIRST sport that you were involved in?
I loved volleyball at school - and lacrosse - and hockey. And badminton. But I'm not sure which one came first to be honest. At primary school I don't remember doing any sports apart from high jump.
What were the FIRST lessons you ever took?
Piano would have been first or perhaps ballet. Piano was around age 5 and I think ballet might have been earlier. Then tap and Highland dancing. Gave ballet up around age 10 I think but the other 3 continued until I left home. And I also took violin lessons at school and played in the School orchestra.
What is the FIRST thing you do when you get mad?
Try and write it out to diffuse it. Depends on the situation and how mad I am!
What was your FIRST cell phone?
I think it might have been a W995 or a flipphone and I still have them stuffed in a drawer! I loved the W995 for the camera and music and then I started going out with a guy who had a smartphone and he wanted me to get one so's we could send free texts to each other so I did. Which would have been in 2009 or thereabouts so I was a little late to the party.
Who was your FIRST crush?
That was probably Shand Ramsey in Primary 5 so I would have been around 10 - just at the time this school photo was taken. Shand is on the right of the back row. I'll leave you to guess where I am.
I remember the humiliating experience of being thrown together with him in a game of Postman's Knock at a birthday party and he didn't want to kiss! What sort of sadist invented that game anyway??!
When was your FIRST date?
That was to the 'shows' (amusements/carnival/Waltzers etc.) with Gary Campbell, the rather portly guy right in the middle of that back row. I was 13 and chuffed to be asked 'out' but knowing there was more chance of hell freezing over than being allowed to go. So I concocted a story for Mam & Dad of going over to my friend's house then took my bike out of the shed, cycled down the back lane and left it at the bottom. We met up with another couple and had a brilliant time - all very innocent - I think he pecked me on the cheek when saying goodnight. I picked up my bike, cycled up the back lane to our back gate, deposited the bike in the shed and innocently walked through our back door.
I thought I'd got away with it and in my next letter to Lorna, wrote screeds gleefully telling her all about it. I left the letter downstairs in its envelope, addressed and just waiting for a stamp which Mam said she had and would post it for me. Dad saw it and read it. I'm actually still quite shocked he did that but I'm presuming there must have been good reason. Anyway he brought it upstairs to me and quietly told me he'd read it all and was very disappointed that I'd lied. Somehow that was far worse than a full-blown argument or punishment and it completely spoiled the whole experience.
Ah the joys of teenage angst!
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