Watching Trolls movie…
Feelings:
Sad
Wishful
Confused
Unimportant
Worthless
Stupid
Psycho
Idiot
Can’t watch kid movies anymore…
Because every time I have before, it gets me to be in a kidding child-like mood…
That brings out the brattiness, which makes me think of the Dom/sub thing.
A topic that I’m not talking about anymore and hopefully will never think about again.
At least I have one memory at the last hotel… one memory of somehow everything going as planned…
But since I didn’t do something that he didn’t bring up - that’s the only part that he remembers.
I’m selfish… psycho whore…
Why do I even bother typing any of this?
Because I need to. I need to get it out somehow and well since I can’t even talk to him without it causing a fight - I don’t know what else to do anymore.
This is why cutting is so helpful - I have the physical pain to make me know that I’m still alive… because all this fucking emotional pain and stress is going to kill me.
Safety. Security. Cared for.
Gone in a blink of an eye. I fucked it up. Just like he tells me everyday.
My “fuck up list” is more than a continued novel series.
It sucks. It hurts that he thinks I don’t love him. What the fuck else am I supposed to do to prove anything anymore…
One day, Dom/sub is ok to even talk about, other days nope don’t mention it at all because it causes a huge fight…
Everything I say or do causes a fight.
At least with cutting - I got the physical and emotional pain out somehow.
I just wish that things would be ok and at this point, I’m not sure if that will ever exist.
I’m tired of crying about this topic. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a fucking burden all the time. I’m tired of being yelled at because I tell him that none of this is going to happen anymore… then he says it… and wonders why I feel confused?!
Fine… he wins.
Complete Chaos… that’s all my life is right now… and all I wanted was some sense of security…
“I don’t care anymore. You caused this by opening your fucking mouth and wouldn’t shut the fuck up”
Yeah, it’s the only thing I do… fuck everything up every single fucking day by talking or texting at all…
Maybe, just maybe he shouldn’t fucking say that he enjoyed things if it wasn’t the fucking truth…
I’m hurting so fucking much yet can’t, and won’t say anything about it… told me he never wanted to even talk or hear about any of this again…
Every single thing that I’ve told him has become something that has been used against me… even the need for reassurance about us…
I have absolutely no security about my life at the moment. I start crying… causes a fight. He asks me what’s wrong… I tell him nothing… still causes a fight. I tell him what’s wrong… causes a fight.
Someday, I wish things would go back to how it was before… I wish more than anything… but I know it wont because I fuck everything up every single fucking day…
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