I had a bit of a setback this past week with regards to moving forward with my life and the fact that I’m not partnered up. For some reason (maybe it was because I mentioned him in my last entry), I Facebook stalked my former fiancé, EXMS and his current wife. I’ve done this before but have never really felt emotion like I did this time.
I know it’s not rational, but it just felt like EXMS’s wife took the spot that I was supposed to be in. You know, EXMS and I were trying to get pregnant right before he left me. But she got the baby and she got the marriage, and they look so very happy together. They have a little boy who is growing and he’s so cute…they have a beautiful house together…they look like they are very much in love.
What happened to me? Why have I never gotten to have what I’ve wanted in terms of a relationship? How come I don’t get a partner to share life’s joys and burdens with? What makes me so un-datable? I WANT to partner up! I’m a good partner, I KNOW IT!!
I got booty texted by Bachelor Party Marty in the middle of the night last night, and you know what? I wanted NOTHING to do with it. In fact, we’ve tentatively made plans for today, and I’m still not into it.
Guys, BPM is one of the most attractive men I’ve ever hung out with, and I’m SO NOT INTO having a fling with him…at the moment. What is WRONG with this picture? Why don’t I even want a boy toy?
Yet I want a relationship so badly.
And I know I’ll never get a relationship if I ooze desperation, so I’m in a bit of a spiral of not really knowing what to do about this.
If I do go ahead and just fuck around with BPM, do you think I’ll get my mojo back? Why am I just not feeling it with him?
And where can I find a Valentine in two days?
I’m just so bummed right now.
- UPDATE - I figured something out today: Bachelor Party Marty pursues me because he’s never been rejected in his entire life! We’ve even talked about this before. I asked him one time about rejection, and he basically couldn’t answer my question because it’s never happened to him. How funny. I’m not answering his texts today because I just am not feeling it, and I think it’s making him crazy. I’m not doing this to be mean at all. I’m just not into it. Life is weird.
xox,
GS
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