panic in Mental Health, 2017

Guys. I’ve done a few stupid things on impulse since Tuesday. Wednesday, I logged into my clinic’s patient portal site and since the “cancel appt” option was disabled for my next appt with my therapist, I decided to write her a message telling her I wouldn’t be at our next appointment on Tuesday. I told her I didn’t think I was ready for counseling and told her I couldn’t complete any of the “tasks” she wanted me to do to take the next positive step forward. I basically listed everything I wrote in my last entry. I apologized, told her she did nothing wrong, and that I was doing this so she wouldn’t have to waste her time with an “unwilling” patient.

Gonna admit it, once my head returned to its “clear-thinking” state of mind, I expected push back from her since I told her some super honest things during my last appt. Thursday morning I got a call from the clinic (their appt line) so I panicked and didn’t answer. Today, Friday, I logged back into the portal semi-expecting a message back listing all the reasons why I should consider continuing therapy with her. Or a “hey, we tried to call you, please call us back” message. No message and she cancelled the appointment.

So that was Stupid/Impulsive Thing #1

Note: I still have my appt with the Psychiatrist (who I haven’t seen yet) on Thursday, but impulsive me can’t be trusted now that I know all I have to do is send a message through the patient portal.

And now for Stupid/Impulsive Thing #2
Last night the depression hit the hardest since my teenage years, and there was no reason for it. It just gripped my head until I gave up and went to bed early (the only thing that makes it “go away”). But I took two of my Zoloft pills instead of one. And thought about taking a few more because it just seemed so easy. I’ve been on this increased dosage (100mg – up from 50mgs) for about a month now. So I took 200mg last night. And let’s just say the brain has felt a tad bit interesting today. Not in a good way and not in a bad way. Just in a way.

I’ve been journaling my thoughts at work by writing them in my email and then sending them to my yahoo e-mail from my work e-mail. It does help. I don’t understand why the depression is so bad NOW at THIS point in my life. There is no reason for it.

Everyone left really nice, supportive notes in my last entry. And good ideas/tips. Which I was going to follow until I got all impulsive and shit.