Honesty Problem in Mental Health, 2017

I’ve been very honest with my therapist thus far. And I was super honest today. Like I couldn’t shut my mouth; I was volunteering shit left and right when she didn’t even ask the questions. It just spilled out of my mouth.

And I think I kind of terrified her. I mean I’m in no danger of hurting myself, I just needed to get all of my shit out. Buuuut she gave me a list of things I need to do, which I don’t know if I can do any of them.

Which overwhelmed me and made me panic. I tried to log into the patient portal online at work today to cancel all of my future appts. She wants to see me next Tuesday before I see the psychiatrist Friday. I have appts both days. I tried to cancel both appointments, but they disabled that option for those appts :/ I’d have to call, and I know they wont let me cancel. They’d force me to reschedule no matter what excuse I came up with. I’m half tempted to just not show up and pay any sort of “no show” penalty they have.

My list of things to do before next Appt per my therapist (they are actually all reasonable requests for a normal person):

1. Tell hubby about these appts. Not going to happen. He doesn’t know. Because a few years ago I had a panic attack and confessed to having suicidal thoughts and he flipped it around and blamed himself along the lines of “if I wasn’t such a stupid husband, you wouldn’t be feeling this way.” It led to a fight, which ended in me trying to comfort him while putting my own feelings aside. He made it all about him, while all I wanted was a listening ear and a little support. I aint going through that shit again. I tried to tell my therapist this, but she wants me to do it anyway because he’s the first line of defense since he lives under the same roof as me.

2. Convince hubby to come to a session with me. Not going to happen because of #1

3. Put hubby in charge of giving me my meds and hiding the bottle from me. Not going to happen because of #1, and I’m not going to overdose on these because I’m pretty sure it would just make me puke all over the place, nothing more. If I was going to overdose on something, it wouldn’t be my antidepressants. But I’m not going to overdose on anything.

4. Remove the bottle of pills that I keep in the glove compartment of my car as a “just in case” comfort item. I could do that, but then I’d just replace it. Just knowing its there is some twisted sort of comfort.

5. Clue my coaches in so they can be made aware. Not going to happen cuz they’ll freak because their friend who played rugby, committed suicide this past summer, and they think it was a result of too many concussions to her head.

I think those are it. But I don’t want to show up Tuesday and be like “yeah I didn’t accomplish any of those, sorry for wasting your time”. I dont want to disappoint. I don’t know what to do.

Oh wait, she wanted me to start journaling my thoughts. THAT I can do. Okay, I’m getting somewhere. I need to find a way to convince her that hubby can’t be the first line of defense (and he’s not a terrible guy…mental health/emotional support just isn’t his strength..). I need to give her an alternative, which will probably be a teammate. Not hubby, not a coach.