My household atm holds 4 boys under the age of 11 and myself. I am female and l am drowning in testosterone and “boy smells”. Two are my sons and three are my husbands. I have soft spots for mine (I birthed them after all) and deal as equally as i can with the other two.
My anxiety lately has been through the roof. I already have depression and anxiety, add all the other things I have in my daily life and I am on an emotional roller coaster every day. Even going to work makes my day better - I know how to handle the public that I work with. I know how to do my job and if I feel a panic attack coming on - I can figure out how to bring it down to normal. If i feel a mad coming on, I can take a cigarette break and calm down. Here, I feel trapped by my own situation and there are no coping mechanisms.
Its not their fault. I keep trying to make that my mantra - not their fault. They have mental issues and I try hard to focus on the fact that they can’t help themselves. Most of the time it does help a little.. Then I figure out that one has woken up one of my kids at an ungodly time in the morning cause he was bored and wanted to wake my 6 year old up. Makes me want to scream. I’m not a morning person anyway, and someone waking me up better have a really good reason - think blood or fire. So hearing this pisses me off. And he can’t help himself. But he also knows what is acceptable and what isn’t cause its the same every day; if you ask him, he knows what is acceptable and what isn’t. He. Can. Tell. You.
So I go to therapy to try to deal with me and end up bitching about them for 30-45 minutes. I can do that with my friends.. Why am I going to a damn therapist?
I wake up in the middle of the night to chain smoke and just be for a little while.
When no one is awake and I don’t have to deal with meals and diapers and everything.
Just for a little while, the house is quiet.
Except for my mind
~Luna
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