Romantic Stuff has (almost) Happened in New Beginnings

Like I teased in the previous entry, I’ve actually, finally been doing some dating. Right before December, my dating site recommended a woman named Charlene as a good match. I contacted her and asked for a date. I took her to dinner at a rather upscale restaurant near my office. She was certainly pleasant, but I kind of got a vibe that we would ultimate have differences of opinion on some values if we kept seeing each other.

Then, there was the whirlwind romance with Holly. She sent me a wink on Match, and we have a lot of common ground. Specifically, neither of us want children, but we both have some more traditional lifestyle habits not common among people who don’t want kids. Well, not entirely (more on that later), but she was super impressed that I still have my V-card, and she was very supportive on waiting until marriage, so that was a big plus.

If you’re wondering how we were talking about when we’d have sex so soon, let me explain. She sent me an wink, I responded with an email, she said she’d prefer to text, and so began the interrogation. She started asking me all sorts of questions, some silly and some serious. The “what are your expectations for sex?” question came jumbled among “what’s your favorite dessert?”, “where would you like to travel?”, and “why don’t you want children?” questions. I gave the right answers because she quickly agreed to a phone conversation wherein she also agreed to a dinner date.

Our first date was at a pizza tavern in Sandy Springs, and it was probably one of the best first dates ever. Conversation was easy and flowed naturally. We kind of clicked together. Not to mention, Holly is sooooooooo pretty. She has long brown hair, a sweet southern accent, a perfect smile, an adorable laugh, and she gives wonderful hugs. We quickly agreed to see each other again. We were texting each other all day. She eventually came over to my house to chill out and watch Netflix. A few days later, she agreed to comeback, so I could cook dinner for her. I made her my one of my favorite recipes, chicken-spinach-artichoke-penne pasta, which she loved. We kept getting to know each other, and she became increasingly convinced that I was the mythical perfect man as she became aware of my positive attributes. I cook, I keep a clean house, I stay in shape and take care of my body, I’m gainfully employed, I own my own house, and I don’t have any debt (not even my mortgage).

Unfortunately, I had to shatter her illusion. Oh, boy. I really debated whether I should write about the following or just gloss over it. However, this is my journal, and if I can’t be honest here, where can I be honest? I’m not going to tell the entire truth, but I’m going to tell the most I can tell without having a freak out. One of Holly’s earlier questions to me was whether I watch pornography. I don’t. I can honestly say that I have no interest or desire to leer at naked women or watch people have sex. She was overjoyed at my answer. After all so many dates, she kept asking me if I was real or just a figment of her imagination, and I felt so guilty, I had to tell her the truth. Now, I stand by my previous comment that I don’t consume pornography; however, I have a bit of a quirk. You see, there’s something I find very sexually desirable that is unrelated to sex. I mean, it’s completely innocent in and of itself; it doesn’t require nudity or forfeiting chastity, and it’s even sometimes used as a form of flirting or affection. You can see people doing it on television, even in some children’s cartoons, and no one would bat an eye at it, but my gosh does it make me hot. It makes so hot that I melt into a puddle. Also, NO!!!! I’m not telling what it is! It’s very hard not to look up videos or pictures of it, especially when I’ve been alone for so long and aching for some womanly companionship for what feels like forever. I had to confess to her, and she was ultimately too bothered to want to keep dating me. Technically, it’s not porn, but I have had a habit of fantasizing about other women for pleasure, and she’s uncomfortable with it.

I don’t know what more I can say about my vice. It’s a hard burden to carry. I’m not going tell what it is, but I’ll use a comparable example. Imagine a hand fetish. Imagine become really, really hot at the sight of the attractive hands of a comely woman (or man, whatever you prefer). Then imagine how difficult it would be to not indulge it. Everywhere you go, people don’t cover their hands up. They likely use gesture with them while talking. There’s an abundance of avenues to get your fix. T.V., movies, and magazines don’t cater to your appreciation, but at times they inadvertently give you what you like. Barring that, it’s easy to go on YouTube and watch videos of people getting manicures or hand massages. No, it’s not technically porn, but the end affect upon you is just the same. Then there’s Rule 34. If you don’t know, Rule 34 states that if something exists, there’s a form of porn of it. Not getting sucked down the rabbit hole where people expressly produce content for the sexual aspect of what you enjoy is a battle in and of itself.

Again, I don’t have a hand fetish; I’m using this as an example. I told her I would break my habit, but I think I’ve already killed whatever we had. This is all very disheartening; I don’t know how I’m going to give it up. If it were conventional pornography, it would be easier. I’d have a simple rule to adhere to: don’t look at naked women or watch videos of people having sex. While our society has a bit of a sex obsession, it’s still pretty easy to avoid it as long as your not a die hard Game of Thrones fan. I’ve tried to give up my fixation in the past with temporary stretches of success. Then I’d get triggered. I witness the behavior as a normal part of life for someone else, or I see it in TV show or movie, or I read the word of it used in conversation with a contextual connotation, and I fall off the bandwagon. Maybe it’s a permanent part of me that I’ll never be able to break. Maybe I sexualized something inherently unsexual because I was repressing myself, and my sexuality needed to find an outlet. Maybe it’ll dissipate on it’s own if I’m able to replace with actual affection. I’m not quite sure how to proceed. I wish I knew what to do.

I don’t know what reaction I was expecting from her. She’s a very difficult person to predict. She’s a devout church-going Christian woman. She spends her weekends volunteering for the homeless. She disagrees with deducting her expenses for doing so. She wants to retire early and help homeless people full time. She’s not a virgin, but she’s committed to waiting until she’s married. She also smokes, cigarettes and pot!

Sidebar: That was an interesting conversation. She listed on her profile that she is an occasional smoker. I didn’t realize it at first. Smoking cigarettes is so taboo in our society now, I didn’t even read that line on her profile. I just presumed she wasn’t a smoker. After realizing my oversight, I asked her about her smoking on one of our earlier dates, and she became very panicked. When we got in the car, she admitted to me that she occasionally smokes marijuana. She was certain that if I had a problem with her cigarettes, pot would be a deal breaker. She was slightly in shock when I told her that I didn’t care about the pot, but I was still really bothered by the cigarettes. I’ll revisit this topic later.

Anyways, my confession slowly changed things. She came over to hang out with me the day of my confession. We walked around my neighborhood and talked. She seemed ok. Her day had been challenging for other reasons, and my admission came on a day when she was distressed about other things. We went out for sushi, came back to my place, and she gave me my very first make out session. I don’t know what was going on. I told her repeatedly that she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t feel comfortable doing. At one point, she lost a little bit of patience and exclaimed, “Rob! I just said I wanted to straddle you. Trust me when I tell you I’m not uncomfortable with this.” Then we spent the rest of the evening spooning on the couch, and I was able to demonstrate my patented “One Strap Back Pack” cuddling technique that ensures comfort for both parties during a spooning session. That was so much fun, cradling her head, giving her Eskimo kisses, nibbling on her neck and collarbone. Seriously, that last one was glorious. I wonder if most women have sensitive spots around their necks and collarbones. If I ever get to make out ever again, that may be a staple.

We ended that night on good terms, but when she came back to spend the next day with me, she seemed a little aloof. She didn’t want to hold my hand. She kept her arms folded up and pressed against herself like she was almost trying make herself invisible. She left early that day, saying she had errands she needed to run. She didn’t text me for the rest of the day. A few days later, she told me she wasn’t sure where she stood with us, and she couldn’t offer me anything more than just being friends for the time.

She still texts me every couple of days. We exchange pleasantries. Last night, she asked me if I knew of anyone who with a job opening for nights and/or weekends. She wants to save up so she can travel around the US doing homelessness charity. I wonder if there’s a message in there. Am I supposed to tell her I want her to stay, or is she conveying to me that we’re completely over? I’m supportive. I told her I just want her to be happy and fulfilled to which she seems appreciative.

I’m not sure how I feel. Now that it’s over, I worry that I made a mistake. I worry that my vice would have subsided on it’s own as it was replaced with regular, real life human contact. Finding a woman with my values who doesn’t want children is difficult, and I worry I missed out on a chance to get married. I also wonder if I’m idealizing her. I mean, we would have had issues with other things. Like I mentioned, I don’t really care about her smoking pot. I don’t agree with it, but my problem with it stems from the fact that it’s illegal and I don’t want to worry about her getting arrested. However, I do take issue with cigarettes. Her argument was that she could go days, weeks, and months without a cigarette. My argument was:

“Great! Now’s the perfect time to give them up entirely before you are addicted. Do you realize that cigarettes are designed to be addictive? You won’t regret giving them up, but if you become an addict, you will certainly regret not giving them up. Also, do you realize that if we get married, save and invest for a decade or two, retire early to spend our days doing what we love, and then you get lung cancer, saving you would likely wipe out everything we’ve built. Everything! All of our financial resources would be gone. Even if we owned our house entirely, if we can’t make the tax payments, we’d likely lose that, too. I’d have to go back to work in accounting, which may be even more difficult considering how long I would have been out of the industry at that point and how out of date my skills are. We might not even be able to save you. Even if we did, you may not be restored to your former physical health. You’d likely be a shell of your former self. After all that, you’d look back on us right now and wonder why you didn’t listen to me. It’s just not worth it. Whatever pleasure you get from cigarettes, the risk is just not worth it.”

Of course, her argument is that won’t happen. She doesn’t smoke any more than her mom smokes, and her mom’s lungs are just fine. Ugh. Do you know how hard it is to argue with a smoker?

There are other things that may have ended us. I’m neat and tidy; she’s messy. She’s a free spirit and doesn’t like to commit to things; I like to commit to things and progress towards my goals. I like to cook and eat reasonably healthy; she subsists on dinosaur chicken nuggets, French fries, and ramen noodles (yes, she’s a 32 year old adult).

Is dating normally this complicated? I was kind of hoping I’d be at an age where I’d have out grown unnecessary complexity when it comes to romance.

Last updated January 07, 2017