(If I tagged you, go back an entry.)
The wisdom teeth came out Monday, and now I am recovering. I heard from several people that it wouldn't be that bad, but it's a lot worse than I expected. It hurts like a motherfucker. It hurts to open my mouth and it hurts to close my mouth. It hurts to spit and it hurts to swallow and it hurts to talk. My cheeks hurt and my jaws hurt and my teeth hurt and my gums hurt, and I can feel where my flesh is sewn together - I can feel the stitches stretch when I move, and it grosses me out. I would say that it is, in fact, "that bad."
I have been taking pain killers which make it hurt less but which also completely knock me out. Unless, of course, I take them before I go to bed at night, in which case they just make me exhausted as I lie awake until two in the morning. (That there is hardcore insomnia.) The fact that I have been too tired to do anything since Monday, along with the fact that my diet consists of smoothies and chicken broth, has been making me pretty miserable. I have been bored and apathetic and not very self aware, and I haven't been too sure about the meaning of my existence or of existence in general.
Last night at about one in the morning, I wrote down this list:
My Fears at the Present Moment:
- That all of my personal connections are arbitrary
- That my friends don't really care about me
- That I am not in love with Julian
- That I am in love with Dave
- That my oral surgery screwed up the muscles in my mouth and that I will never play a wind instrument again
- That I will be a sucky marching band leader
- That I will be a sucky conductor
- That I suck
- That my alternative jazz band will fail
- That I will never be a notable musician
- That I will not get into college
- That my choice of college will be arbitrary
- That life is arbitrary
- That I will have a lonely adulthood
- That I will die a virgin
- That I will die in obscurity
- Death, in general
- Irrationality
- Spiders
- Zombies.
Item number three has been mentioned before. I've been getting the sense that the crush has been fading since the beginning of the summer, and at this point it seems to be fading pretty fast. I'm not sure why. My view of him hasn't changed at all, but the feeling is no longer really there. It's like I just don't have the heart to obsess anymore, and I don't find him to be of much interest, no matter how interesting I know he is objectively. Now that I think it's going away, I find myself wishing it wouldn't. It was beautiful, somehow. And it made things interesting, even if it didn't make me happy.
Item number four hasn't been mentioned at all. At least not since November, when it came up breifly and I shooed it out of my conscious. (November - Jesus, was it really that long ago?) But recently, it's come creeping up on me again. Probably as a result of seeing him PDAing it up with Molly, I have found myself feeling quite physically attracted to Dave. This might sound weird, but... there is something sexy about how huge he is. He's lost some significant weight recently too, so instead of being huge and chubby, he's now just huge and muscly. And masculine. And rather intimidating, really. He looks exactly like... Low brass section leader, who is also a hockey player. You know?
I think I have figured out one of the reasons Molly and Dave like each other so much, and it's probably the reason I'm attracted to him too: She dominates him intellectually, and he dominates her physically, and neither one of them even has to try. When you know them, you can pretty well guess that this is what they both want in a relationship. On the surface, Molly is an extremely smart, strong, competitive person who wants to be in control of everything at all times. Dave is a mellow, goodhearted people pleaser who is easily pushed around by almost everyone and doesn't seem to mind. But it's not absolute for either one of them. They both have some serious insecurities about who they tell themselves they are. And it becomes pretty clear how they work out these insecurities just from watching how they act when they touch each other. He is in control.
He'd have to be though. I imagine that as soon as he even puts his arms around you, it becomes clear that you can't move. He could do anything, if he really wanted to, and you couldn't stop him. That's what I find attractive about him. He's physically powerful. I am also a smart, strong, competitive female. So I would like to think that I want to be in control, and that I am good at being in control. But I am still a female. And I'm pretty sure that in essence, being female means that somewhere deep down, you want to be controlled. At the same time though, I know that I have always had considerable power over Dave, and part of me likes that just as much. There was a period of time - a long period of time - when he had such a big crush on me that I could have made him do whatever I wanted. And even still, I know he wants my approval because I'm his best friend. I have power over him because I'm so close to him. This two way control thing appeals to some cavewoman part of my mind like nothing else ever has. It would be comfortable. It would work well. Therefor, this cavewoman part of my mind is starting to say, "Steal him. Now."
The reason that this scares me is not only because he is my best friend's boyfriend, although this certainly is a major factor. It's the closeness, the comfort, that scares me more than that. I'm not attracted to him because he's perfect and distant, like Julian. I'm attracted to him because we're close. The truth is, I don't even particularly like Dave. I cannot name traits of his that I find beautiful. And he has many traits that I find ugly, that I see as weaknesses. So there's no reason for me to like him. I've just become attatched to him. It's like being stuck. That's why I'm afraid of him, why I can't allow myself to be attracted to him anymore. I know him, and he knows me, and we know what parts of each other are ugly. That is why, even though vague sexual fantasies have been appearing in my head, when I actually think about what it would be like to be close to his body or to kiss him or even to look into his eyes for too long, it feels dirty. It feels wrong. It scares the fuck out of me. Because it's Dave.
I loved loving Julian because it could be justified. I could make lists of ways in which he was beautiful and good and perfect. It was perfectly logical for me to love him. It almost seemed to me like everyone should love him. But if I don't have reasons like that, if I know that the person is imperfect and it's just based on closeness, then isn't it essentially arbitrary? I hate it when things are arbitrary. Then they don't make sense. And when things don't make sense I don't know how to deal with them.
So I'll get over it, I guess. I'll push the thoughts out of my head again. I won't stab Molly in the back, even internally. And perhaps I will just go crushless for a while, until I find someone else who is beautiful and perfect, at which point I will fixate on them. But I will not even think about sleeping with anyone who qualifies as my best friend, who I understand as well as I understand Dave, because that is inherantly disgusting. And you can shut up in advance about mature, healthy relationships. I am not interested in mature, healthy relationships. I am an introverted, obsessive, extremely rational seventeen year old, and I am interested in idol worship and sex, thank you.
But I feel a little lost and confused right now.
Well. That was soul-beary.
Here is my parting word: I look like a fucking chipmunk. That is all.
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