Basically, what I devote my energy toward during the summer is trying to stay conscious. I don't mean that in the sense of "awake," I mean I try not to end up halfway though August saying, "What the fuck did I do for a month and a half?" It scares me a little how easily I slip into brainless oblivion - how as soon as I don't have a schudule to follow every day, I can go for days at a time without much self awareness at all.
I have been trying to do shit. I think this helps. I have started my calc summerwork. (I haven't done much, just started. Eh, it's easy enough so that if worst comes to worst I could do the rest the night before it's due.) I also tried to start arranging music for my jazz band, and quickly came to two realizations:
I have no idea what my instrumentation will be. I have no way of finding out until the fall.
I do not know how to arrange music. It is not necessarily something which is easily self taught.
Yesterday, I went to the library, mostly for the sake of going somewhere. Here's how that went: I returned stuff. After a socially awkward exchange with a socially awkward librarian, I took out stuff. (Namely, Snow Crash, the book which Molly forcibly ordered for me the last time I was over her house.) I read some of it. After doing this for a while, I decided to wander around town. On the way out, I saw Julian's mother looking at books on tape. I looked at her for a second, trying to decide whether I should say hello. I decided not to, just because I was not sure what I would say after the "hello" part, which I figured would be awkward. Also: I'm not positive, but I think that this might be the subtext of all of my conversations with Julian's mother:
"So. I still wish you were dating my son."
"Yeah, I still wish I were too."
I walked around town aimlessly, thinking about the Julian's mother situation and saying to myself, "Don't be a stalker. Don't be a stalker. Don't be a stalker. There's a chance that he's working today, but don't be a stalker. You should probably go home now. You can just walk around the library to get to your car, how 'bout that? No reason to go into the library again and look around. <font size="2">Or you could go through it, I mean I guess that's okay</font><font size="1"> yeah go through it just in case.</font>
Sure enough, as I walked up to the main entrance, I saw him through the glass door. He was looking right at me as I came in. T-shirt: solid black. New, I think. Hair: darker than I remembered. Putting away books on tape. Looking awkward and beautiful. I must have been smiling too much when I said hi to him, based on the fact that he looked kind of unpleasantly surprised when he said hi back. I didn't bother talking to him - I've heard that he won't talk to you at work even if he doesn't find you creepy. I went into the bathroom and took stock of myself: Tank top. Skirt. Purse over one shoulder, Snow Crash under the other arm. Looking indie. Both bra straps clearly visible. Oops. Yeah, definately smiled too much. Feeling kind of terrible. Heart beating way too fast for just having seen someone. Overall, fairly attractive but extremely creepy. Get out of the bathroom and go home.
I went home and played the Sims 2, which is extremely addictive and really doesn't help with the self awareness thing at all.
I have been planning for a while to have a party once we got to the new place. I figured I should, since I've never really been able to throw a party before. I have been telling people about it. And I'm still going to have it. But recently I've actually been pretty nervous about it. I have never really hosted a social event where more than three people were invited. And even three people was rare. I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. What if it sucks?
Well, I guess there will at least be an interesting group dynamic among the people I'm inviting. (Molly, Dave, Tom, Eric, Julian, Bonnie, Emma, and, by default, Helen, although she may decide she doesn't feel like coming.) And I guess someone will most likely be saying something entertaining at any given time...
Here is my parting thought: This entry has a lot of colons.
Loading comments...