I am suffering from writer's block. Or laziness. Or maybe a profoundly boring existence. Or maybe just the realization that I lead a profoundly boring existence. Yeah, I think that's the one.
I have been trying to think of something to update about, because I like updating, usually. Things have happened, but somehow I can't bring myself to think about them in an interesting, plot-and-characters type way like I usually do. Like almost everything, this might have to do with Julian. I used to see that situation as, "ooh, how interesting. I wonder how this will further develop." Even after I got rejected, I guess part of me held onto hope, or saw myself as some sort of tragic herione, or did something that made me interested, in some way, in how things were going to work out.
But now... I think I may have really given up. I am no longer the tragic herione who deviates from her cold, logical nature to open herself up to feelings of absolute, woshipping love for the tragic hero, who, tragically, cannot overcome his even colder, more logical nature to accept this love, which leads to a beautiful, tragic situation which becomes more beautiful and tragic as new things develop in a saga-like way over the course of a long, long period of time. I am no longer a herione of any sort. I am a silly, obsessive high school girl who is obsessed with a guy who, not necessarily for any specific reason, is just not into that kind of thing, and who needs to stop being silly and get over herself before she causes any more silly, immature awkwardness for anyone.
I have given up in that I am disgusted with myself and disinterested in the situation, anyway. I don't know that I am actually going to stop obsessing over him. I don't think I can. I don't think I want to. It's weird... It certainly doesn't make me happy. I mean, he doesn't pay any attention to me. We don't have satisfying social interactions. And my self esteem plumets whenever he is anywhere around, no matter what I say. I don't know if it exactly causes me pain either though. It is just a something that feels like it would be horrible to give up, somehow. It is very, very strong. And beautiful, I guess. But what does that even mean? I feel like I'm in back in one of those rare bad Odyssey classes, the ones where we all throw around words we can't define without meaning anything.
I am starting to get more scared about the music major thing. Seriously scared, that I am not good enough, that I am just kidding myself, that I am dooming myself to a life of unhappiness and not living up to my potential. If not music though, I don't know what I want to do. And I don't want to go to college. I don't want to choose schools, and I don't want to apply to schools, and I don't want to have to live on my own in a tiny room in a place that is not my town without my friends.
In conclusion, without refering to anything specific, the following words describe how I am feeling right now:
"I dunno. Fuck."
And also, my original point, which was sorry for not having anything interesting to say.
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