"Music: Three stars. Colorguard: Four stars. Breaking crap up into little peices..."
"FIVE STARS!"
Saturday, about fifteen of us from the marching band went over to Eric's house and disassembled all of the ruined stuff in his basement so that it could be thrown out the window and put into a dumpster. By "all of the ruined stuff" I mean "all of the stuff," since the water came right up to the first floor. We got crow bars and everything. It was actually a lot of fun.
"I can see some people have a lot of unresolved anger," said Mr. Thomas as Alice smashed in the entire back of a wardrobe with a sledge hammer.
"Yeah. Jeez Eric, what are you doing to her?"
Alicia imitated her. "And this... Is for his hair... Being nicer... Than mine!" Everyone laughed. Eric smoothed his hair.
A lot of marching band stuff besides the Eric's basement thing has happened lately. I suppose the most important thing was the leadership meeting, but it doesn't seem that way. It doesn't seem like this thing that I've been building myself up to since August actually just happened on Thursday, outside at the picnic table, during maybe ten minutes at the end of rehearsal, preceeded by an "anyone who's interested in a leadership position next year, hang around for a few minutes after we finish practice."
None of us said a word. Mr. Thomas didn't say much either. He said that there were lots of good people to choose from, that he'd try to make it as fair as possible, that the instrument you play doesn't have everything to do with the choice, but it doesn't have nothing to do with it either, that he's considered having two drum majors if it comes down to it, and that we're free to come talk to him if we have anything to say, but that he doesn't know how much we'll be able to say in a four minute interview that he hasn't figured out in the five years that he's known all of us. The four people who ended up being there for drum major were Sarah, Adam, Eric, and me.
And that's it. And now I'm waiting.
In some ways I guess I'm worried. Alright, in some ways, I am fucking petrified. I am petrified that I have invested all of the hope, feeling and devotion that I have into two things, and one of them has already fallen apart, and if the other one does the same thing, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what I'll feel for or hope for anymore. But in another way, I'm surprisingly calm. The worry is just a little, relatively rational voice in the back of my head occasionally reminding me how much emotional peril I'm actually in right now. The rest of me is not responding emotionally in any way. It is saying, "Alright. I guess all we do now is wait it out."
I kind of feel like I should take up his offer and talk to him. I tried today, but Julian went to the band room too and talked to him about fixing his Tri-M kid's saxophone and I didn't get the chance. Even if I did get the chance, I don't exactly know what I'd say. "Listen man, I'm obsessed with this. Cut me some slack. Also, Adam's a douchebag"?
Maybe just, "Eric and I were considering doing it together."
I trust Mr. Thomas. I think I might trust him with my life. I'm not sure why. He's a pretty ordinary guy. He tells bad jokes and has mad tuba skills and occasionally says he'll do things and then doesn't. That is pretty much all I can tell you about him. He is not awe inspiring. But he's been my band director for five years, and I still feel a very strong sense of... I guess it's loyalty. A very marching band feeling. I'll do what he tells me to. I'll trust that he'll make the right descision and that the descision he makes will work out the right way.
Jesus Christ I hope I'm the right descision.
I don't even know why. I don't even understand it. It's like the feeling creates the feeling. I want it because I want it and I just do. I guess that's what obsession is.
I talked to him about being a music major last week - how I go about it and what it's like and stuff like that. I didn't mean for it to be suckuppy, but maybe it was. He seemed happy. He seemed proud. Maybe telling him that told him how I feel. Maybe he understands how badly I want to lead the music and lead the band. Maybe I'll get it, and it'll be the start of something interesting and beautiful, and it'll almost be an expression of everything I feel for band and for music. Or maybe I won't, and... Something else will happen, that I can't quite grasp yet.
It won't be long now until I know.
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