I had a dream last night where I had a girlfriend. She was very pretty, and I liked her voice. She kind of reminded me of this girl who goes to philosophy club, who seems to have the mindset of the leader of an intellectual revolution, but looks like if she were wearing different clothes she could be a cheerleader. Nice skin, blond hair, cute smile, glasses - very earnest but somewhat quiet. She asked me out, and I spent most of the rest of the dream freaking out about actually having to face the fact that I am bisexual. I didn't know what to do because I was petrified of what people would think of me.
This dream probably comes from the fact that on the day of silence, I felt very guilty and hypocritical, showing my support for gay rights while hangin' out in my closet. I guess I've known that I am in some way attracted to girls for a long time, but it's become more obvious recently. I'm starting to think that I do not even lean towards one side. I am not "bicurious" or "heteroflexible," I just out-and-out like girls. I have caught myself staring at them, which I don't even do with guys who aren't Julian. I really really hope they don't notice, because the people I do it to are usually just regular semi-aquaintence type people who I work on projects with. I would be freaked out if someone I knew on that level were checking me out.
I would be okay with coming out about this if it weren't for Molly. Honestly, I have no idea how she would react, but I have a feeling it would make things awkward between us to the point where it would significantly hurt our friendship. I have shared changing rooms with her and slept in her bed. We are extremely close and we have talked about everything. I can't imagine her not getting at least a little freaked out or afraid that I am attracted to her. Which is reasonable, even though I'm not. The idea scares me too much. We are too close. It would be like incest. It would be extremely complex and screwed up, and would probably make both of our lives a living Hell. So I have never allowed myself to go there. Besides, right now I am much too preoccupied to have a substantial crush on any female.
I have thought about telling Dave. Just so that someone will know. I think he would be okay with it and I am pretty sure that he would not tell anyone.
My parents are another problem. It's not like they are homophobic and would disown me. Mostly, it's just that I don't want them to think about anything having to do with me and sex ever. It's mostly just that one conversation that would be awkward enough to prevent me from telling them, or more accurately, telling someone else so that they might find out accidentally. I always figured I'd put that one off until I actually got a girlfriend. Which I'm assuming will be a while, seeing as how I can't seem to pull off having a boyfriend.
But I should probably stop pretending that I can keep it all inside indefinately. I can't. That is all.
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