"But if I don't do it, people on the internet will think I'm a coward!"
I actually found myself thinking this at one point.
Yesterday, after an absolutely terrible Tri-M meeting and a moderately bad philosophy club, we had a jazz band competition. We carpooled.
"So, who are we going with?" I said to Julian before we left.
"I dunno. I guess RJ, he's the first person I asked."
Not much later, Alice walked up to me and Dave and said, "So, I was thinking... you two, Eric and Valerie? Good times going to the jazz band competition?"
"Sure," said Dave.
"I - <font size="2">Okay.</font>" I said.
So we got in the car. We started driving, and we started talking about mannerisms that we have picked up from each other.
"I picked up 'Oh man' from you," said Dave to me.
"Really? Molly picked that up from me too."
"Everything else I've just picked up from Eric."
Eric laughed. "I know! Everybody picks up my mannerisms. I'm like cancer!"
"I think Kaylah picked up 'blast and a half' from me."
"Who's Kaylah?" said Alice immediately.
"She's... Um..."
"She's Dave's girlfriend," I said.
There was silence.
"Yeah, let that one sink in for a while."
"Wait wait wait wait wait," said Alice. "Where did she... come from?"
"I met her on the cruise," he said.
"Oh right," said Eric. "And she doesn't go to this school, right? Conveniently, none of us know her, right? And she lives so far away that none of us will ever see her..."
"I didn't make her up!"
"You so made her up."
"I- d- Look," he said, holding up his cell phone. "I have one of her voicemails right here, wanna hear it?"
"Alice, don't you think he made her up?"
"Oh yeah, totally."
A few minutes later, she called. As Dave completely ignored us to talk to her, Eric continued, loudly. "Oh man, I can't believe he's going to this length. I mean, actually talking to the made up person? Alice, don't you think that's going a little bit too far?"
"Oh yeah, totally."
"Give me that," said Eric, grabbing the phone out of Dave's hand. He held it up to his ear. "Hi, Kaylah?" he said, very amicably. Pause. "Yeah, hi. So, my name's Eric Berlin... We've had a vote, and I'm sorry but... You don't exist." Pause. "Yeah, I know these things are hard to take sometimes, but I'm sure you'll accept it eventually." Pause. "Yeah, see, I didn't even hear what you just said, because you didn't say anything, because you don't exist." Pause. "Alright, talk to you later. Mhm. Bye bye." He handed the phone back to Dave.
"That was Eric," said Dave. "He doesn't like himself, so he projects his anger onto other people."
"I love myself, okay?"
Pause.
"Yeah, it's sad, really. He's our school mascot too. He dresses up like a giant bird."
"Hell yeah I do."
"She says that's hot."
"Hell yeah it is."
Pause.
"See, in my opinion, it's a blatent cry for help."
It went on like this. At one point, she was on speakerphone. Her voice gives me a bad feeling about her.
At the competition, I spent a lot of time sitting in an auditorium next to Julian, with Dave, Eric, Alice, and Valerie behind me. Julian talked to Stonerdrummer, and I kept unsuccessfully trying to jump into their conversation. Periodically, I would give up and talk to the group behind me (who would immediately let me in on their conversation) but loudly, so that he might pick up on some of it and turn around. Then I would go back to trying to jump into his conversation. It was depressing.
Finally, I gave up altogether and said, "Does anyone want to go get food with me?"
"I'm not really hungry, but I'm definately into walking around right now," said Alice.
"Yeah, I'll come," said Dave.
"Sure," said Valerie.
Eric sighed exageratedly and said, "I guess."
Julian didn't even look over.
As we walked to where they were selling food, Dave and I fell behind the other three. "So..." I said. "I'm not going to do it."
"What? Why not?"
"Well I mean, it's just... I kept trying to join the conversation, and it kept not working, and... No one's that socially retarded, damnit. I'm pretty sure he just doesn't like me."
"Aww." said Dave. I've noticed that he has started saying this a lot. I can see where it would be endearing on some chemical level, but on a higher level it makes me want to punch him in the face.
"I... I might do it later, just... Not today."
"Do what?" said Valerie, who had fallen behind as well.
We mumbled exageratedly.
We played okay. Not great, but no major disasters. I think it's hard to play big band well when you are in such a profoundly bad mood.
She called during the competition, and she called again on the car ride home. And they talked for the whole time. Or rather, she talked, and he said generic "I'm responding to what you just said" type things.
"I thought we agreed that no nonexistant people were allowed in this car!" said Eric.
"She's not actually in this car," I said.
"Oh. That's true."
There was a pause.
"She just might as well be," I said under my breath. Everyone laughed but Dave. And me.
"uhuh."
Pause.
"Aww."
Pause.
"Aww. I wish I was there."
"Awwwww," said Eric. "He wishes he was there."
"Let's have a collective 'Aw'," I said. "Ready, one, two, three..."
"AWWWWWWWWW," everyone said. This got his attention. Temporarily. He laughed sheepishly.
We got extremely lost on the way home, and were back in town at about ten. I was the last one in the car after Alice dropped everyone else off. After we talked about whatever for a while, she started talking about marching band, and I said, "Hey, question:"
"Shoot."
"Tryouts for leadership positions are in May, right?"
"Well, they're not really 'tryouts,' but yeah."
"Oh really? What do you do?"
"You basically just go and tell him that you're interested. And he asks you some questions, like how bad you want it and stuff. And then... He decides."
"When do you find out if you got it?"
"I... Don't remember, actually. You'll get an email eventually, or they'll call you down during the day. Certainly before school gets out."
Pause.
"Why, are you going out for drum major?"
"Yeah."
"I think you would make an excellent one."
"Oh... Thanks." The earnestness of this comment, coming from Eric's girlfriend, surprised me a little.
"Yeah, Eric..." she said. "I really don't think Eric's cut out for it. I think people would listen to you more. I think he would be good as an assistant. Him and Dave would be awesome."
"Yeah," I said.
"I mean, you have to be all outgoing and joking around to be an assistant," she said. "But not to be drum major. I mean, I never was. My sisters weren't either."
(Alice, interestingly enough, comes from a drum major dynasty. She is the third of her sisters to be the drum major of this marching band. Can you imagine the pressure?)
"So let's see -" she said. "Sarah will never get it. Adam's definately not a possibility either. Greg won't get it - not after the fight - and Eric... Eh. Honestly, I think you're it."
At this point, we got to my house. "Thanks for the ride," I said. "See you later."
"Yeah, no problem," she said.
When I got inside, I felt like absolute shit. I wanted to call him. Right then. And say something to the effect of, "You don't like me, right? Please just tell me that now. Quickly. Let's get it overwith." At this point, it seems like these feelings are not things which I should make accomodations for and allow to grow. They are things that I have the overwhelming urge to step on and kill.
But... But... I don't know.
So there you are, people on the internet. I backed out. I am a coward. Since two days ago, I have just felt miserable and sick at all times because of this and the Kaylah thing. At this point it seems like I will continue to feel miserable and sick until I tell him how I feel. But the probablility is overwhelming that If I ask him, I will end up feeling miserable and sick as well. I can't handle this feeling. But I can't handle confronting him either, and I can't handle rejection, and I can't handle a relationship right now.
And I can't handle school. I have a fucking lot of homework today, which I am clearly not doing at all.
Oh hey, I'm in a profoundly bad mood, and it's March today. What a coinkidink.
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