Yesterday in math I talked to Lilly, Evan Desmond, Sam and this kid named Kyle for most of the class. At one point, I told them all to go to the battle of the bands.
"Why, are you going?" said Lilly. "I'm in it." "Really? With who?"
I listed names.
Kyle's eyes widened. "Julian's an amazing musician," he said. Evan and I nodded and murmered in agreement. Then Evan said, "Dave Garret... Not so amazing." He laughed. My heart sank a little. Dave is a good musician... Isn't he? He's okay at least... At least once he gets to practice things... He has to be a good musician - I always work with him. But then I realized... He's not, really. He thinks he is, but he doesn't have the ear. It takes him too long to get things. When he plays the trumpet, he makes too many technical mistakes. I guess sometimes being into it isn't enough. Sometimes, you either have it or you don't.
Then Lilly said, "Are you the only girl in the band?" "Yeah, why?" She gave me eyebrows. Then she laughed and said, "No, that's... Cool." "What was that for?" "Nothing, I was just being weird."
In Latin we ended up talking to each other about what people say about us behind our backs. "Honestly," I said to Molly and Dave, "You guys aren't talked about nearly as much as some people. I guess you just aren't that interesting." They laughed.
"Come on," said Dave. "People have to talk about us a little."
"Well, nothing much, really. Molly, I heard someone say that you had a bad haircut once. And it was like, two years ago, and you did." She turned a little red. "Other than that, it's just like, 'Oh, she's really smart.'" She turned more red.
"And Dave... The only thing, really... I heard someone say that you were a bad musician." As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't have.
His face fell. "...Aw man. Now I'm going to be all paranoid. Who was it?"
"I can't tell you that." He continued to look sad. "Well I don't agree with them..."
"Aw. Maybe I am a bad musician. Mr. Casto thinks I'm a bad musician."
"I think that's just the impression that Mr. Casto gives people. He's not a very friendly guy. I used to think he thought I was a bad musician too, but then Mr. Thomas told me he was impressed by my jazz band audition."
"...And Mr. Katz might think I'm a bad musician too. I keep fucking up auditions with him."
"Jeez, I knew I shouldn't have told you. Look, there are people who think I'm a bad musician too. And there are people who think I'm a good musician. It doesn't matter - as long as you know..."
"Yeah, but what if I don't know? What if I'm just kidding myself?"
"Look, people don't even base this off of anything. You make judgements about how good people are when you've only heard them a few times, right? I mean, most of this is just what other people say. Don't get upset over it."
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
I should have known better though. To people like me and Dave, music is the basis for everything, including our self esteem. I swear - you could go up to most hardcore bandies and say, "Well, you may be a stupid, ugly jerk, but you sure can play the hell out of that instrument." And they would say, "Thank you."
Mr. Thomas never showed up for my trumpet lesson. Again. So I just hung around in the band room and jammed on the marimba with Noah, taught Sarah how to play a walking bassline, and (involentarily) watched Kevin and Hattie making out on the grass through the window. Ew. Ha. Sexually active band geeks. When I saw Mean Girls, I had to refrain from laughing out loud at that line, because it's so true.
Then Mr. Casto came in and I talked to him. He seems rather interested in the fact that I'm taking up trombone. We talked about jazz band. Apparantly there are going to be two next year - a good one and a sucky one. Man, I hope I don't end up in the sucky one. He kept talking about trombone, and finally I said "What about guitar?"
"Well, that is always a possibility too. The only thing is... trombone players are really at a premium, and guitar players... Well... There's always only going to be one in a band. Brad turned out to be a dissapointment. He prepared well for his audition, but in real life he's... well, you know what they say. If you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all. Let's say... I don't have much to say about Brad. Mark Renaldi is a good rock player, which usually translates to being a decent jazz/blues player. But he can't really improvise. And he's a major behavioral problem. Just not a good person to rehearse with, so I figured he wouldn't be a good choice. Your audition... Your audition was good, really, and frankly I was surprised. I mean, I didn't even know you played guitar. The only problem with you was... You don't use a pick, do you?"
"No, I don't."
"Yeah. And I mean, there are plenty of great jazz players who don't use a pick. You can do perfectly well and be a great musician without one. But in your case, I think you needed to clean up the rhythyms a little more. There were times when it got a little sloppy. And you do have to learn how to do some pretty fancy finger work if your going to play fast stuff without a pick. Have you worked on that with John?"
"...Not really."
"Yeah, well that's the thing. But you are still taking lessons, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well then, I'm assuming you're a year better. So, yeah, guitar is always a possibility. Go ahead and try out - I can see you in the band. Well, I can definately see you in the band, but I mean, on guitar, if that's what you really want. Um... get working on that trombone though. I mean, with Lydia graduating, you guys are really going to be at a premium."
"Alright."
"Alright, well, see you later."
"Bye."
Man. I know a few people taking up trombone. I really hope I don't end up in the sucky band.
Jesus, I should practice more often. The thing with Dave got me nervous. I don't know what people say about me behind my back either. Am I a good musician? I have to be, don't I? I can feel that I am, can't I? I can feel it inside of me. I have a good ear. I understand music.
But what if that's not enough?
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