I wrote this last night when I had insomnia.
On First Impressions:
It's wierd - I seem to be able to tell how trustworthy people are just by looking at them, regardless of how they act or what I've heard about them. For example, there's this girl in my health class who I talk to sometimes - she wears tight clothes and straightens her hair, and probably hangs out with some sketchy people. She pretends to have an attitude, and the health teacher won't let her take the bathroom pass most of the time because she doesn't trust her to go to the bathroom. But I like her. I can tell that she's just a nice person and not a jerk. She seems almost innocent to me. Why? I think it's because she has huge, very sincere looking brown eyes. Or maybe it's that she talks to me, the sophomore blacksheep with glasses who sits in the front of the room and asks wierd theoretical questions. But honestly, I think it's the first one.
And Greg. All the information about Greg that I've gathered based on his actions tells me that he is a nice person. (Well, disregarding Ani-related things.) But I've never really trusted him. Not even before people started saying they didn't like him.
I wonder whether this is just arbitrary - whether it really is based off of something like eyes that don't have anything to do with anything, and whether or not I trust someone has nothing to do with how trustworthy they actually are. My mom talks about having this "first impression" thing, and I always thought it was a load of crap. I thought maybe this tendancy to judge by appearance had something to do with the fact that she's slightly racist, and I didn't want to have THAT in common with her.
On my Mother, and One of her Unfortunate Character Flaws:
Yeah, you heard me. I come from a long line of racists, actually, all the way back to slave traders and people who probably helped kill off the Indians. It sucks. I feel pretty guilty whenever minorities talk about their oppressors. I'm like, "That's my family."
Anyway, my mom would be incredibly offended if you called her a bigot. I'm pretty sure she honestly believes she isn't a bigot. But like, whenever she tells stories, she points out the race of everyone involved, (and phrases it "...who happenned to be black...") whether or not it's relevant. She uses coloquialisms like "fighting like Indians." She gets all the Asian kids I know confused, and when I correct her she says, half jokingly, "They all look the same." She had this whole thing going for a while where she would not believe that Lydia is black. Every time we would see her, she'd be like, "No, I can't be!"
"She's half black and half white, Mom. That's why she has such light skin. And why do you care so much?"
"I'm just intrigued, that's all."
After she met Lydia's parents, her comment was, "No wonder I couldn't tell. Her mother's one of those glow-in-the-dark Irish people who can't be under flourescant lights without getting a sunburn."
Anyway, I really shouldn't badmouth her like this, because she tries hard not to do all the stuff I just mentioned. She can't help that it's how she was raised. That kind of thing is really hard to un-learn.
On Dave:
Once in a while, Dave will reffer to elementary and middle school as "back when I was Tom's lackey." Yesterday Tom even told him to do something, and Dave said "I'm not your lackey anymore, Tom." Tom was like, "Hey, I remember that!" and they both laughed.
I remember it too, actually. If I really look back, I realize that it's probably the reason I'm friends with him. It strikes me as kind of wierd, because it is quite obvious now that Dave is significantly smarter than Tom. It wasn't a clever skinny kid/huge dumb kid situation. So why did Dave used to follow Tom around and do anything Tom told him to do? Because Dave is the kind of person who is extremely easy to take advantage of. He's one of those ridiculously big-hearted people who are loyal to others because... they just are. And he's too innocent to stop and question their motives. I imagine that it won't be long before some girl manages to crush him. Which is why I have to be careful. As in maybe showing less friendly affection, and definately not bringing a sexy bathing suit to band camp. Yup. Sexy bathing suits are right out.
On Mark:
Adam made me realize what I did to him. I'm sorry Mark. I didn't love you and I didn't take what we had seriously. Then when we broke up, I didn't think about your feelings at all. It never occoured to me what I was doing to you. For me, breaking up was just something annoying that I had to deal with. But it probably felt like your whole fucking life down the drain. Now I know what that feels like, and I'm sorry for being a heartless jerk. Really.
On Adam:
My life would be a lot easier if he weren't so goddamn beautiful.
On Pseudonyms
Maybe I should stop using them. Just because I'm starting to actually think of myself as Aidan. And it's also becoming that Dave and Molly and Tom and Eric and the rest... aren't my friends. They are their own distinct people. In fact, this is to the point where I think - and this is only a thought - that I might only have a crush on Julian, and not his counterpart. When I think about having a crush on Julian, it makes a lot more sense to me than thinking about actually having a crush on -
...I can't. I have to remain anonymous. But I kind of wish that you guys (meaning the people who read this on a regular basis) knew my real name. I rather like my real name, and my friends' real names all seem to fit them better than the names I assigned. Maybe I'll do a favorites only entry. If you're curious and not a favorite, just note me. It's not a big deal.
...Or I might chicken out and end up deleting the entry. Or maybe no one cares about names as much as I do. I'm rather obsessed with names. Whatever. I'll do it.
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