So today's the prom, and my good mood has been shot to Hell by the Adam and the fact that he's going. Man. I kept wanting to convey to him today that I am not okay with the fact that he's going, but I kept being friendly to him. It's not even like I have to force myself to be friendly to him - we just start talking and I temporarily forget that he's a jerk. Then I think, "Wait - stop being so nice to him. He doesn't deserve to be having a civil conversation with you. He doesn't get it. You should make him get it." But then I'm too much of a social coward to do anything. The best cold shoulder I could manage was putting my headphones on on the way home, and that was only after I'd already talked to him for five minutes.
I keep wondering what's happenning tonight - like, is he getting a limo? Is he giving her flowers? Is he going to an afterparty? A beforeparty? Prom's a friggin' big deal. I guess what really bothers me is that it's SUCH a big deal that the lowly underclassmen dance he went to with me won't even be able compare with it. He'll probably just forget about that. And back then, I thought that that would be a pretty memorable experience. He wore a suit and got me flowers and picked me up at my house, and then we made out in the middle of the cafeteria for like, three fucking hours right in front of all our friends and my French teacher. I was ridiculously happy that night - like, a drugged up kind of happy. But the prom is going to be that times ten. And I don't even know the girl. Jeez, I can't get over it - I thought I knew who he was. I thought he was just an innocent, nerdy kid with a good heart - someone like me who doesn't fall in love easily but falls in love hard. I don't understand how I could have been so wrong about him. Honestly. I don't know what was wrong with me that I let myself get so attatched to someone who turned out to be such an icky person.
Know why keeping a journal is good? It shows you that you are normal. For example, according to my feelings, the situation with Adam is an unusual situation. It should not have happenned. I have a hard time even believing it happened, sometimes. Everything I've experienced and felt adds up to something that seems somehow special to me. It is my unique experience. However, when I come on this site and try to express my feelings, the best I can come up with is "I thought I knew him. I don't know what I saw in him. The jerk betrayed me. Blah blah blah." All clichÈs. Millions of people have said the exact same things millions of times before. When I realize this, at first I think, "No, you don't understand! It WAS wierd! It WAS something terribly awful and wrong! It's not a cliche! If you knew him - if you knew me - you would understand."
But then I start thinking that that's probably what the millions of other people were saying to themselves too. So the fact that what I'm saying ends up sounding cliched doesn't mean anything negative - it just means that there are a bunch of people who share my experience. It only seems unique to me because I'm experiencing it for the first time, and hearing things like "I thought I knew him" from other people is something so different from experiencing heartbreak yourself that it is hard at first to recognize the two as even being related. You think that what you're feeling must be something different. But when you write it down, it's not. You are just another member of the human race with fully functioning, honest-to-god human emotions. Congratulations.
I just got off the phone with my mom, and we argued about my paper. I don't undersatnd why she's freaking out about this. She never freaks out about anything school related, because she knows I always manage to keep my grades up myself. This project will get done on time, just like the hundreds of other projects that I've had and procrastinated. She's been nagging me lately about how much time I spend "goofing off" and "playing computer games." (a.k.a, playing music and writing.) This pisses me off pretty severely, because I consider my "goofing off" to be more important than most of the schoolwork I do. What's more important than creating beautiful things and expressing yourself? For me, that's what makes life worth living. Therefor, it is my priority. I do it before schoolwork, always. If that means I won't get into an ivy league school, so be it. It's their loss.
Such a sucky mood. Oh well. At least I'm excited about the trombone.
Loading comments...