I felt pretty crappy for most of the day yesterday, but at night I had another one of those wierd mental energy bursts. It started when I was researching for my 20th century paper. I made very little progress on it, but I did listen to a lot of Indian music and read about the voyager mission. I started getting very excited about Indian music and the voyager mission, and I wanted to learn more about them - as much as I possibly could. It seemed like they mattered. In fact, it seemed like everything mattered. When my mom tore me away from the computer, I went into the bathroom and jumped around and broke the towel rack. My mom got mad at me for breaking the towel rack. She told me that I should vent my energy in some other way. "Is it nice out?" I said. "No, it's crappy out." "Oh. Well, I think I'm going to go for a walk anyway" I put my shoes and coat on, and ran out of the building and down the street as fast as I possibly could. I felt like I was flying. My feet seemed to touch the ground much less often than they should. It felt good to be moving so quickly, especially away from the apartment. I run down that street in my dreams all the time, and there I was, actually seeing that scene in reality. I kept running until I got to the highway. At this point I ran out of physical energy. But I felt like I had to keep going, so I walked. It was raining pretty hard out. My hair was dripping, and my glasses were so wet that I could see better without them. My breathing was hard, but it didn't bother me. I felt fantastic. I started running again soon. I ran past the police station and all the way to Dave's street. At this point I stopped, and a very faint voice of reason came through and said, "Ohhh, Aidan. This is not good. You are at least two miles away from home, your parents don't know where you are, and people driving by are looking at you funny, because it's pouring rain and you are outside for no reason other than you feel like going somewhere. You are not even a 'jogger,' because you are not intentionally getting excersize or anything, you're just HERE. This is not good." I wasn't afraid or anything. I was still pretty high emotionally. But I listened to the voice and decided to turn back. By the time I got back to the complex, my socks and chuck taylors were saturated and clinging to my feet, and my jeans were soaked up to the knee. But it felt GOOD. Everything felt good. I could FEEL how wet I was, and how fast my heart was going, and how the air smelled. I felt really ALIVE. Really HUMAN.
When I got back, (my parents had indeed been wondering where the hell I was) I changed all my clothes and sat on my bed, just actively FEELING as much as I could. It felt like every nerve in my body was operating at ten times its normal capacity. Then I ate dinner with my parents and told them all about the voyager mission. I stayed up fairly late drawing and feeling excited about everything, but at about eleven thirty I suddenly became exhausted and feel asleep within a few minutes.
I'm still feeling happy and creative today, but it's nothing like it was yesterday.
So obviously, I enjoyed whatever that was, but I can't help wondering... WHAT it was. I can't help wondering whether one can develop bipolar disorder at this stage in life. Because that was definately the opposite of depression. It also kind of concerns me how little controll I seemed to have over my actions, and how strong my desire was to run away. When I'm older, am I going to wake up in Japan one morning and realize, "Oh crap, I had an energy crash last night,"?
Whatever. It's only happened twice. I'm probably overanylizing/overreacting. It's was just really WIERD, that's all.
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