I just got back from band practice at Greg's. It went pretty well musically, but socially it was lacking. I think it's Greg's fault. I think he makes me uncomfortable in some way. Or it could have been Elijah. I don't even know him that well. Anyway, "I will survive" is going okay, and "Tribal war chant" is actually working out to be a cool jam. Julian is definately wierded out by me. I don't know how I know this, but somehow I am sure that he finds me immature or girly or obnoxiously attention seeking or something. I mean, not to the point where he dislikes me, just to the point where he doesn't find me interesting.
I've definately been seeking attention more than usual lately. I have this feeling - like I really NEED someone to think I'm cool and interesting. I need someone to think about me a lot and pay attention to me. Yes, I am weak. I admit it. I'm actually pretty disgusted with myself and my thoughts right now. But I'm lonely, and it sucks to the point that I don't care if people think I'm weak. I'm just giving up. I admit it. I'm a social animal and I need love.
Goddamnit! I wish it weren't true. I wish I could truthfully say, "I'm not that kind of girl. I'm not into relationships. I'm a loner. I'm my own person. I'm free." That's when people take you seriously, you know? If I think about it, all of the people in my school who I respect and take seriously are the kind of people who don't need love to make them happy. Maybe they've been in a relationship once or twice - but they were short and didn't mean much and ended amicably. The people who I respect don't routinely obsess over people to the point where that person is all that matters. That's definately not cool. Three boyfriends is already too many to be cool.
And now here I am, developing an obsession with someone when it is completely futile and unrealistic, just so that I will be obsessed with SOMEONE. I mean, it's not like I think that conciously, but subconciously that must be what I'm thinking. Why else would I fixate on JULIAN for God's sake?
I mean, not that it's really progressed since jazz night. But still, it's there.
I'm going to bed. I'm on this website too damn much. I didn't get nearly all of my homework done today.
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