So in health today we watched the famed British puberty video. Kids at my school will not shut up about it. I've heard about how funny it is from like, three different people. Alright, so it was a little funny (in a "tee-hee, they just said penis" sort of way) and it was a lot more well done than any other movie I've ever seen in health. But instead of finding it amusing, it just sort of put me in a wierd mood. This is probably because the movie tracks the development of a thirteen year old boy and girl and the awkward quasi-romance between them. It was pretty uncannily accurate. So it started bringing back pretty vivid memories of when love was like that - awkward and innocent and novel - and reminded me that it is never going to be like that again. I am certain of that.
And I'm not reffering to the first time you're in love, or even "young love." I just mean... It feels like love will never be INTERESTING again. I will never be primarily concerned with who I have a crush on and what I am going to do about it. I will never again painstakingly make sure that everything I do will further my cause, and wonder nightly just how much he likes me, or whether he does at all. I have a feeling that my next relationship (whenever that's going to happen) won't be a big deal. It will be more like:
"Hey - I'm attracted to you and we can stand to be around each other - Wanna go to the movies or something?"
"Yeah, alright."
I dunno. I just feel like I don't care anymore. Which I guess is a good thing. With Adam I always felt like I cared too much. I didn't WANT to base everything I did off of him and worry all the time about whether or not he liked me. I thought it wasn't RIGHT, or made me weak or shallow or something. But being in love and caring like that made me feel good. It felt good that it was EXCITING. But now I'm pretty sure all the excitement is gone. It's all old news, and it's not even great news.
Jesus, you'd think I'd be able to shut up about Adam once in a while. But apparantly I can't forget him. I had a minor freak out over him again late last night. It feels like he's a smell that won't leave my system, even after it's gone. Like stage fog. Have I told you about stage fog? God, once you've smelled it, EVERYTHING smells like stage fog. It feels like it's seeped into every pore in your body and just won't go away.
All I've eaten today is a package of powdered donuts and half of a cheese quesadilla. They were both disguisting. I feel sick.
Loading comments...