November 1st, 2016
I had broken sleep last night and the night before, I think it had something to do with the window being open and it being really cold in here. But I had several good dreams in between, one of which is a dream I wish I was stuck in and I could live that adventure forever. In my dream all my wishes came true, I was a kid again and I was in a group of kids and we were on an adventure, we were at the top of a ski lodge and we messed around with the lift cause we needed to get down to the bottom but it was funny when we stopped cause it would jolt and knock us off balance, we were also eating pizza rolls. So we finally reach the bottom and as we get close I lean over the edge halfway and wait for the lift to jolt and when it did it sent me flying into the snow, it was fun. From there we had to get some item I don’t remember what but I know there were bad guys and we were fighting them, a car exploded and killed one of ours but he re spawned so it wasn’t really bad but we were fighting the bad guys and we won but before I could see what the item we needed was I woke up.
I love those dreams so much because it offers me everything I have ever wanted in my life at this moment. I just want to be a child again and have a bunch of friends and we go off on an adventure of some sort. But after I wake up and revel in how awesome the dream was, reality hits me hard and I realize I am alone, I have no one to go off an adventure with and I am not a child anymore, oh god how I wish I was. I wish I could stay 10 forever, I hate this life.
hour and a half or so later:
I took a much needed break from everything for about an hour or hour and a half, I took trash out and messed about outside, I sat on the curb for a while and then I walked over to the lake and sat there for a while, clearing my head and allowing my dark emotions to leave me and I threw some stones in the water. It was relaxing, I came home to a cup of tea and a cup of noodles, I needed to eat and the I just love tea, it feels like it’s meant to heal a heart. I said my prayers this morning, yesterday when I said them I felt something I had never felt before it was a weird sensation, I felt light in my heart, like peaceful light. I think god heard my prayers and he let me know by doing this, I felt so peaceful and the light was warm. I have never felt this feeling before but I would love to feel it again, it’s just more proof that god is there and he is listening.
I understand that I have to go through such hard days and I don’t really blame anything for it, I understand I must walk in the darkness so that others may see light. I would rather have all these disorders and mental illnesses then someone else, I sacrifice my own mind so that others can be happy and I realize that is my role in this world. I believe god put me here not only to help my mother but bring light and beauty to the world through good and charitable deeds. When mother was in the hospital I went to get something to eat from subway, the woman working was having a real bad day for several reasons and I felt bad for her so I when I payed I let her keep the change and I gave what few spare dollars I had to hear and her face lit up, she smiled and the I could see the light return to her eyes, it was beautiful. She was so happy. It’s worth it you know, to see the gratefulness on people’s faces, the light return to their eyes and their warming smile knowing that someone did good by them when it wasn’t necessary. It warmed my heart to see that.
I often complain to myself and any ghosts that listen (meaning in private) about my situation but honestly if I could change one thing it would be my weight and that’s it. Yeah I go through hell but I carry people to the light and I sacrifice so they can be happy and see the light. I know that all my sacrifices will be rewarded in the end. I donate to small charities, whenever there is a donation box with a story on it telling about helping an animal or a child or someone with cancer, I donate my spare change. I just like to see people happy, I love to see the light in their eyes.
Loading comments...