Yesterday was really long. I honestly don't remember what went on in school. (The probability is overwhelming that it was nothing of interest anyway.) After school I went to art club. That was pretty cool. I should actually start doing it on a regular basis. I don't know anyone who goes that well, but for some reason when I step into the art room I get all hyper and social. So I sat at a table the whole time and painted something random and talked to Bonnie, (really quiet flute player bandie) Yoshiko, (really quiet, really talented piano player) the art teacher, and this girl I've met once who plays the euphonium. The art teacher kept trying to talk about normal things and we kept bringing the conversation back to music. Aw. Poor art teacher.
After that I went straight to my... appointment. I started getting more and more nervous as we approached the office. (By the way, it's about forty minutes from the highschool and IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. The building it's in looks abandoned. I guess they just opened this particular office. They have another one in the town right next to us, but there were no appointments available.) It took us a while to find my doctor. We went by all these rooms with empty boxes in them and stuff. But finally she found us and had my mom fill out this form and then asked her to leave and started talking to me.
It went about the way I expected it to, I guess. I told her about the depression. She kept asking me questions like "What kind of thoughts go through your head when you're depressed?" and "What makes you feel sad on a regular basis?" that I couldn't answer. I explained to her that it feels like my thoughts are completely seperate from my emotions - that normally there is no reason for me to feel sad, but that what I think doesn't seem to have any effect on the way I feel. She seemed to think that this was perculiar in an interesting sort of way. I used Adam as an example too: how when I was in love with him (although I didn't put it in those words) there was no reason for me to be, and I knew that, but it didn't matter. I told her about how I tried to controll my emotions, but in reality I was only controlling my thoughts and I ended up attatched to him anyway. When she asked me if Adam was a cause of my depression, I said "I don't think so. It manifests itself that way, but I don't think that's what it's really about."
I told her I wasn't thrilled about drugs, since as I expected, she kept hinting that my problem is probably a chemical one. She even asked if there was a family history of depression, and you know what I realized? There is. According to my mother, my grandmother had seasonal depression all her adult life. So that's another reason it's probably chemical. The odds are against me, I guess. It looks like it's either drugs or the rest of my life in on and off pain. Right now, I kind of just don't want to think about it.
Anyway, since I had niether a positive nor negative overall impression, I'm going back next week. I figure it's worth a shot. I think insurance is paying for it anyway.
After the appointment I went to Jazz Night at the highschool. I didn't have anyone to go with, but I knew there probably wouldn't be a big turnout and I felt like I had to support my friends. Dave assured me that I would be able to sit with the jazz band when they weren't playing. (By the way, I tried out for jazz band in December, but there was only one opening for a guitarist, and it went to a senior. There's also one sophomore who is better than I am, so next year it's probably going to him. Sucks.) In actuality, I sat with Simona, (not in the jazz band. I just met up with her.) Dave, and a trumpet player named Evan Desmond. The rest of the jazz band sat across the room from us. I'm not sure how this happened. I don't think it was intentional, I think Dave just saw me and the rest of the band didn't. Anyway, the concert was absolutely amazing. Even the middle school groups. We've got some ridiculously talented kids in this system. Julian's one of them. He got three or four solos in different groups, and they were all just really good and really creative. You know - the kind of music that makes you FEEL GOOD. I found myself smiling involentarily as I sat there watching him. He stops looking uncomfortable when he's improvising. It's like he just BECOMES the music and loses who he is physically.
After the concert I did meet up with the rest of the jazz band and hang out with them for a while. All of them, except for Julian and the pianist, are also in marching band, so we all know each other and it was cool. Julian asked "So, how was it?" and I just said that my favorite part was when they all had to sing, and he laughed.
So there's one of the two important things that came out of this: I am officially aknowledging the crush on Julian. I'm still not exactly happy with it, but I can deny it no longer.
The second important thing that came out of this is that the middle school jazz bands made me wish I played another cool instrument, so I finally talked to the band director about taking up trumpet. He seemed rather enthusiasic about this (he always seemed to think that I was wasting my talent playing flute) and told me to come see him tomorrow during lunch.
I came home feeling really good and wanting to be a better musician. Jazz just fills you up with positive energy if it's good enough, which I guess this was.
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