Anxiety. in Matters of the heart.

I hate being so far away. I hate that I can’t be there in an instant. Go out and do stuff with her. Support her. Blah blah blah all that shit. I hate this feeling of waiting for someone closer to her to get her attention. That because I am so far away I lose her. That…kinda terrifies me. Idk if it is simply anxiety or seeing one dude in particular on some of her recent posts. (One being in regards to cosplay and what we talked about us doing in the future) It kind of worries me. I hate this feeling honestly. Like…well…Another one down. I don’t want to lose her. Hell, who am I kidding I don’t know if I ever even had her really. Idk. I guess part of it is also....with all this bullshit with my family and all the pain and loss over the past year…I am scared to lose more. I want to feel important and loved and special to someone and I am scared of not having that. Or never having it at all. But at the same time I am conflicted because I don’t want to hold her back. I want her to be happy. I want her to succeed. And I don’t want to be that jealous guy that is like…who is that guy? I want to trust her. I do trust her, but with the circumstances....I cant say I really have a right to even be concerned over some dude. Or losing her. Or what have you. I dont know guys.

With everything going on I really just....I would try my damned hardest to support her if she started dating someone that wasn’t me. I mean…I cant blame her with how far away I am. But damn that would hurt. I mean....I don’t know how much of seeing her with someone else I could take.
Hell, seeing B with someone else was painful enough. And then to have it happen again....Like it kinda feels like I may be sort of a secret almost? But that could strictly be based on anxiety, or fear, or what have you. I....I just want…so very badly to not lose more. I want to feel special. Wanted. Needed. Loved. It feels almost pathetic that…with all this shit going on around me and everything crumbling around me....that I feel like I don’t have a specific person that I am romantically involved with in some way to turn to. It kinda hurts.

Maybe I am just jealous. And overthinking. I see her sign on every once in awhile and for whatever reason I get it in my head that she is messaging with that dude, and when she doesn’t message me it makes me worried that I have already lost her. I can’t blame her. Who wants to be with a man that is at his lowest.
I wish I could provide more. Be there more. Be stronger. Be better.
She deserves better than me.
I shouldn’t worry about this. I have no right to.