Saturday I pretty much couldn't function. I was really depressed in the morning, and I couldn't eat. Then in the afternoon I tried to call him because Thursday when I called I was upset. I rehearsed the conversation several times before, but it ended up being shorter than I'd intended. I went something like this:
Me: Hi. Um... I was pretty upset Thursday when I called, so I was afraid I might have freaked you out. I just wanted you to know that I'm not mad at you, and I really am ok. Him: That's good to know. Me: But I didn't really get a sense from your email whether... your feelings about me changed, or whether you felt like it had to end because things weren't going well. Him: Um... We're just two different people. Me: ...What does that mean? Him: Different interests, different... I don't know, it's hard to explain, really. Me: See, if anything, I think we're too SIMILAR. We're both too introverted, and that's why we just didn't talk to each other. But I just wanted to say that... there are some things that can be fixed. I mean, just because there's a major problem in a relationship doesn't mean it has to END. I mean, I don't know if this is one of those, but... if you think it's worth fixing, I'm willing to fix my half. I don't want you to think... During the past two months, my feelings about you didn't change, and I'm sorry if it seemed like they did. Him: I... don't think it's worth fixing. Me: ...Alright, well, I will be ok with that then. At this point I had started to get choked up again. Him: Alright, well, thanks for checking in. That meant "Don't call me again." Me: See you later. Him: See you later.
I was absolutely hysterical after that, for what was apparantly three hours. That's it then. He really just doesn't love me anymore. Then all these stupid things started to hit me, like how I have to change my buddy icon (It's animated. He made it for me. If I knew how to put it up here, I would.) and reprogram my speed dial. And what the hell am I going to do with the pictures I have? And I'll never be able to listen to three quarters of my music again, because it either reminds me of him in some way or he introduced me to it. I was hysterical to the point where my mom suggested that I go see a psychiatrist about this. You know, that actually doesn't sound like a bad idea. I've always kind of wanted to go to one. Is there such thing as being a mental hypochondriac and wanting to see a psychiatrist when you don't need to?
After I calmed down a little I ended up sitting in the living room with my parents and keeping myself busy by doing tedious correcting for my parents and rambling about stuff. I found that I didn't feel like doing everything equally, so I figured I might as well arbitrarily pick stuff to do. I didn't eat much dinner. I played cards with my parents. At night, I managed to say to myself "Ok, you loved him. But what is 'love' exactly? Exactly what you USED to think it was. You think somebody's hot, and then eventually you get attatched to them. That's nothing to get all sentimental about. That's nothing special. You really only seemed like good friends because you were attracted to each other. Sometimes, there was nothing to talk about. He's right when he says you're different. You never got inside his head. You never understood him more than anybody else, and he never really understood you. It was basically all physical. I mean, of course you're going to miss the physical stuff. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, continue fantasizing about it if you want. Hell, you used to do it before you even knew you felt for him, when he was just that random good looking kid. You'll get over him. You were almost over him in December, when you suspected that he was going to break up with you then." But still, this is the first thing in my life that hasn't had to make sense. It's the first time that it hasn't been about what is logical or what works or what benifits people the most. It's JUST BEEN ABOUT WHAT I FEEL. So yeah, I'm going to miss the making out. But there's something else embodied in that. I slept better, but still not great
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