I Need to Stop... in Book of M...

I’m laying here tonight in bed alone as usual. I’m kinda over people in general. Just like everyone. Except like K. She’s the only person I give a damn about currently. She’s the only one that ever wants to do anything with me. She’s the only one remotely concerned about how I’m dealing with being alone. My family doesn’t ask. My sister only calls when she needs something. My mother is about the same. My dad I see the most of the three but he doesn’t ask questions at least not about my personal life.

Anyways… I’m lying here realizing that I’ve let myself become entirely obsessed with M. That I’ve basically let myself fall in love with everything I know about him. I’ve made myself vulnerable. And while I truly believe he isn’t really happy, at least not a forever kind of happy, it doesn’t change that he has a gf and they live together and his family sees her as family. And even if you want out of a relationship, family stuff can make it difficult. She posted a photo on fb and tagged M in it. Some of his family commented. One of the comments was about when her last name is going to change.

I need to stop. I need to back off. And I need to give up. But what do you do when you realize that having hope that he could like you or be the one is the only thing keeping you from being miserable all the time. Friday and Saturday are terrible because I don’t see him or talk to him and all I generally do is sit at home and feel like a loser for sitting at home with no friends.

I am just so incredibly miserable and lonely. And I’ve been trying. To make plans or meet new people but so far everything has fallen through. So I’m going to cry myself to sleep and hope that tomorrow will somehow be better, but I highly doubt it.

Last updated October 11, 2016