So I have a boyfriend. This is pretty much my exception to everything. I used to think that "love" was at most nonexistant, and at least pretty silly. But I am definately very in love with Adam. If what I'm experiencing isn't what people call "love," I don't know what love can possibly be. It's not that there are specific things about him that I think are great. In fact, there are many things about him that I think are pretty annoying. But none of that matters, because love, above all else, is irrational. Honest to God - Doesn't make any sense at all. Which is why it bugs the hell out of me sometimes - I want everything to be logical.
We started going out at the beginning of this summer. All summer, and going right through until the end of November, we would go sit in the park. We could never think of anything more creative to do, but that never really mattered, because sitting in the park was pretty awesome. I like it when Adam touches me. I like it a lot. Our first kiss was in the pouring rain. I remember the raindrops being huge and heavy. You could feel each one landing on you. We got soaked. But we stayed out anyway, because we were sitting on the grass, and he had his arms around me, and niether one of us wanted to go in. Then I remember him looking at me like he never had before, and turning his head very slowly, and opening my mouth with his lips. I was surprised, because I had enjoyed it. When he pulled away I looked at him for a second and kissed him again. We stayed out for a long time. The park was completely deserted. Then we ran back to the library, hand in hand, and then sat in the teen room and talked about the apocalypse. We were so wet that people walking by looked at us funny.
See? I am sentimental. I'm not trying to be. I'm just stating fact. But then I read it back and it sounds all..... "romantic." It's really very confusing.
The rather unfortunate thing is, Adam is extremely quiet. He is that kid who sits in a corner and won't talk to you unless you talk to him first. Even when he does talk, his voice is very low, very quiet, and doesn't have very much variation in tone. I don't think he's capable of raising his voice. I mean, he has a sense of humor, and he is interesting, but it takes a while for him to warm up to people, and even with his close friends, he maintains distance. No one has any idea what is going through his head most of the time. As a result of this, there have been periods where we just aren't affectionate towards each other, sometimes to the point where we don't talk to each other. We're having one of these right now. It's lasted about a month. It is too cold to go to the park. Sometimes, on the way to and from marching band competitions, there would be long busrides in the dark, but band season's over too. Adam is a hardcore theatre techie, and right now he is working four or five shows at once and has no free time at all. These are all legitimate excuses for not having kissed in about a month. But he hasn't touched me in all that time at all. We barely even talk to each other. A few times, we have spent morning busrides in complete silence. He used to look at me in a way that made me melt inside. He doesn't even do that anymore.
I take comfort in the fact that this has happened before. He ignored me for the entirety of December too, to the point where I thought he was going to break up with me. But then we went to our friend's New Year's Eve party, and that was... wow. I was sure everything was peachy keen again. Just the way he looked at me... The expression on his face as he kissed me... But the next day, nothing. We talked, but he didn't sit next to me at lunch; didn't give me a hug before we parted in the hallway; didn't put his arm around me on the bus. I honestly don't think he means to. I think this can be chalked up to our mutual social retardation. But God, it hurts. I want so badly for things to be the way they were this summer. I want him to say something incredibly corny to me again. I WANT for things to be "romantic." But at this point, I don't know how to tell him. It's an emotion. I can't handle it.
Anyway, here's some stuff about him: He plays clarinet and guitar. We talk about music, politics, physics, Latin, the Simpsons, and random flash movies online. He also talks about computers, Japanese culture, and being a theatre techie, but I don't know shit about any of this. He's quite arrogant. He thinks he's British. (e.g, spells things the British way, only buys imported tea, "accidentally" slips into a British accent when he's tired.) He's tall and thin without being scrawny. His skin is ridiculously pale and freckly - I've noticed that he even has freckles on the edges of his lips. He has dark curly hair and brown eyes that it looks like you could drown in. He's a bit of a prep, but always wears a rolled up bandana around his head, which I guess he thinks will counteract this. He smiles to one side. He always kisses with his eyes closed.
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