Sat Nam- the seed of truth in Random Thoughts

Please, as a warning, there is triggering content in this entry. I will talk about child sexual abuse later on, after the bold text. Please feel free to read before then, if you want.

Here i sit, a quiet Sunday, overcast, raining, working in my classroom. In the background i have a calming mantra playing. It’s dark in here, dark in the hallway. I haven’t moved to set off the motion sensors. Lovely and still.

I was going to name this entry ‘trauma’, or ‘early childhood trauma’....or some such.

This is a good time to deal with difficult parts of my life that i don’t remember. For the first three years of my life, who knows what happened to me. My mom passed me around to any and all people in Small Town, Idaho. I know that at one point i was taken from her and put into foster care (before 1980, in a town of less than 4K), but she just went to that person’s house and took me back.

I’d always thought that pretty much anything could have happened, that it was a good thing that i don’t remember. Though, honestly there is a little bit, so teeny-tiny that who knows what my brain has done to alter the Truth of it.

I’ve been doing this regularly, with some intense results:

http://traumaprevention.com/

I took a class on TRE last February and have done it off and on. My body’s reaction was always intense. For the past month almost i’ve been quite regular. As i mentioned, my reactions have been intense, heart palpitating, crying, screaming. Reactions i do not control. I will try and illustrate my most recent reaction yesterday.

I lay on my back, feet on the floor, knees bent. My calves and legs shake a little bit and the movement moves to my abdomen…like a rolling. Over time, the movements (or shaking, as it is called in TRE) have evolved up from my legs to where where i am now. From the abdomen the rolling moves to my shoulders and voice.

A guttural (though its in my voice), primal low scream slowly builds inside me. It scares me, but instead of trying to control it, i allow, maybe even welcome. No. What i do is open myself up to it. I scream. I wail and i don’t know why. But what i feel is

helpless
trapped
like a small child
no control

And my heart beats so hard and i am so scared and my voice screams as long as it can until there is no voice anymore.

And i cry and cry and cry.

I am laying in this attic i have dedicated to yoga and meditation, and now a recognition, reconciliation, admittance of… some sort of trauma a small Carmen experienced.

Afterwards, i entered into my meditation. I came out not as scared as i thought i was going to be. But even writing this now makes me shaky and a little scared to do more TRE on my own. But, also… curious about continuing.

Trigger Warning

I’ve been talking with my sister about going back to therapy to specifically deal with early childhood trauma. If i don’t ask people to help me specifically seek it out, then i will just let it go. So, i have asked three different people. My sister is going to go back to therapy, too. I may not remember my trauma, whatever it was, but my sister does. Our mom had a friend who ran a ranch. We used to go out there and spend days riding horses, running wild, etc. I must have been too old for him (middle to high school), but my sister was not. She was three years younger than me. He was in his 50’s or 60’s. He had this girlfriend whose daughter or granddaughter lived there on the ranch with him. I shudder to think what that poor young thing had to deal with. This is the one person in my life that i feel hate for. His name was Rocky, and i know for sure he molested my sister, and who knows how many countless other small children he molested over his lifetime.