The day is close to over, in a few minutes I’ll take medication and sleep. Without the medication I don’t sleep. I’ve been an insomniac all my life, it only became a problem in the last few years, and, if I didn’t know better I’d blame the medication itself, you know, like I can’t sleep without it because I detox. Not true. The worst part of the detox, when I’ve been forced into it, is that I dream.
People put a lot of meaning into dreams. A shrink might suggest I have plenty of reasons for bad dreams. The only time I saw a shrink (most of 1995) he never talked about dreams. But, you know, people are fascinated with their own dreams. Me not so much but I don’t really want to suggest I have nightmares either.
I’m really just rambling, an excuse to post my favorite version of The Weight. Sometimes a song will really remind me of Sunny; that’s like my dreams, neither a good or bad association just the sort of thing that’s like an intruder in my head. She’d go all gospel on that song. She wasn’t a very good person but she wasn’t anywhere near as bad as she thought she was. She sure could sing though.
She told me once in an argument that one day she’d be gone and I’d be sorry and alone and wished I hadn’t treated the best thing in my life so badly. I think I stopped arguing, she thought she’d hit a nerve. I was trying to figure out if she believed that or not. You know how kids sometimes think when they aren’t in a place it’s not really there? Like the world is more like a cd than the radio, you can pause it and pick it back up when you get back?
I guess that’s sort of cool, something to be envious, keeping a child-like wonder, except I always like to think of it as a child-like awe, not childish narcissism. I would never suspect that I make the top ten list of her regrets, I suspect she’s got eight slots left to fill and probably will have those slots remain empty.
Huh. Boy, maybe I should watch where I ramble. Didn’t mean to sound bitter. I don’t think about her very often. My friend is so very different and she is the reason Sunny crosses my mind from time to time. I feel like a jungle boy brought back to London and am learning how to use a knife and fork and wear clothes. It’s a good thing. Oh, my friend and the band ----
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